I really don’t understand why everybody made such a big deal
about this stupid movie. It's gorgeous, and Javier Bardem is great, but it's a big ridiculous mess. Some point of reference: I
thought Casino Royale was mostly pretty great and charming, and I agree with the rest of the
world about how much Quantum of Solace sucked. In spite of it having a pretty cool title. So yes, this movie (which also has a pretty cool title) is full of dumb things. Such as:
- How the fuck do you blow up a building with the internet? We’re
told that somebody “hacked into the system, disabled the security and turned on
the gas.” OK. Let’s say the HVAC system in your super modern MI6 facility is
networked for some reason. What would it physically take to make an actual gas leak
happen? I'll have to check, but I don't think there's a setting for "release gas into the air" on my furnace. But I guess smart HVAC systems come equipped with a Wi-Fi enabled robot grabby stick ready to yank out gas lines. Just in case.
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| You know, I bet that's why the fridge always freezes my bologna... |
- The identities of five secret agents embedded in terrorist groups get posted on youtube, with more reveals promised every week. M orders these five to be pulled out immediately, but three of them get assassinated. Even after that, she doesn't order the rest of them in, content instead to find out who's behind all this. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, M, but maybe we should have brought our people home, say, three months ago when the data containing their identities was stolen.
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| You're fired. |
- Sylva wants an island so he makes everybody think there is a chemical spill with the internet. I guess nobody with chemical testing stuff bothered to check before completely abandoning all of everything forever.
- Hey, cosmonauts! Did you know that cyanide doesn't burn you? Nope, it just inhibits respiration. But I get that in keeping with the James Bond mythos they wanted some kind of hideous monster reveal for the villain, and they smartly figured that nobody would buy that agents get issued a hydrochloric acid tooth. For emergencies only!
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Baby... Ruth!
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- Why, oh why would you plug a hostile computer into your mainframe,
or main networked computer system or whatever? Of COURSE it’s going to get hacked. Shit. Even my dog was like, Well, what did you think was going to happen? And he's a dog.
I think I fucked this up.
- Silva lets himself be caught so he can get close enough to exact revenge on M for giving him up to the Chinese. Q helpfully jams Silva's hack all the way up MI6's ass, unlocking his Hannibal Lecter cage so the two armed guards can watch through the glass while he casually approaches the unlocked door, opens it, steps out and kills them both.
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| I'm gonna get you guys! |
- When and why did Silva plant a bomb in the tube like that? I'm just wondering what his plan was, since he seemed to use it specifically to cause a train to fall on Bond's head.
- Silva has his minions hand off a bobby uniform in the tube, then goes after M at her public hearing. He has no particular trouble doing this, by the way, in spite of the fact that this is a congregation with a British MP, among other presumably important people. But, why go to all this trouble if all you're going to do is barge into a public hearing and start shooting up the place? Couldn't he have done that at any point at all?
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| You're under arrest, sugar! |
- HHokay. So Bond and M decide to lure Silva out into the open, and go
out into the Scottish moors and get Q to leave an internet breadcrumb trail instead of firing him for being dumber than my dog.
Fine. But take a day – take two! – to prepare before you activate your lure. You work for one of the most powerful governments on the planet.
You can’t scare up a tank or two? Or even just call up a few friends, tell them
to bring beer and sniper rifles. You can hang out on the rooftop and pick
Silva’s men off a few at a time, stopping only to high-five one another until
they’re all dead. Job well done, chaps!
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| Fuck you, awesome country mansion! |
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