Here are five things you can do to someone who tosses cigarette butts on the beach as if just because its got sand it were a big ash tray:
1: Fart on a sandwich and then give it to them.
2: Wipe your butt with their jacket.
3: Shave their cat, or if they have a dog dye its hair black but never admit it and say their dog ran away and this is a new dog.
4: Fart on their pillow.
5: Wait until they are sleeping and then tell a doctor they have gangrene on their toes so he will surgically remove all of them.
In which I shamelessly abuse the internet.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Monday, May 03, 2004
I Had A Dream
I'm not a religious dude, but if I was I would be like "WHY GOD, WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY DID YOU MAKE ME HAVE A DREAM THAT I WAS TRAPPED UNDER A HUGE VOLCANO OF ROTTEN, STINKING, SHITTY GARBAGE? WHY, WHY, WHY DID YOU MAKE THE VOLCANO ERUPT, SENDING ME AND MILLIONS OF TONS OF GARBAGE INTO THE ATMOSPHERE, SO THAT WHEN I FINALLY LANDED ALL I COULD SEE FROM ONE HORIZON TO ANOTHER WAS GARBAGE, AND EVEN THE AIR THAT I BREATHED CONTAINED MICROSCOPIC PILES OF GARBAGE? I HATE YOU, GOD! YOU TOTALLY SUCK ASS!"
I'm not a religious dude, but if I was I would be like "WHY GOD, WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY DID YOU MAKE ME HAVE A DREAM THAT I WAS TRAPPED UNDER A HUGE VOLCANO OF ROTTEN, STINKING, SHITTY GARBAGE? WHY, WHY, WHY DID YOU MAKE THE VOLCANO ERUPT, SENDING ME AND MILLIONS OF TONS OF GARBAGE INTO THE ATMOSPHERE, SO THAT WHEN I FINALLY LANDED ALL I COULD SEE FROM ONE HORIZON TO ANOTHER WAS GARBAGE, AND EVEN THE AIR THAT I BREATHED CONTAINED MICROSCOPIC PILES OF GARBAGE? I HATE YOU, GOD! YOU TOTALLY SUCK ASS!"
I Just Remembered Something
My dad likes to order pizza sometimes, and when he does his favorite thing is to order a "garbage pizza," which means a pizza with just about everything that is socially acceptable to be on a pizza, like onions and green peppers and black olives and pepperoni and blah blah blah. When I was a kid this didn't bother me so much, but now I feel like I just swallowed a whole lake of diarrhea. I can't believe people get away with eating things that are named after garbage. If I had my way something like that would be punishable by a big, fat fist to the jugular.
My dad likes to order pizza sometimes, and when he does his favorite thing is to order a "garbage pizza," which means a pizza with just about everything that is socially acceptable to be on a pizza, like onions and green peppers and black olives and pepperoni and blah blah blah. When I was a kid this didn't bother me so much, but now I feel like I just swallowed a whole lake of diarrhea. I can't believe people get away with eating things that are named after garbage. If I had my way something like that would be punishable by a big, fat fist to the jugular.
Rock Bands
I didn't know this until today, but it turns out there is a band called "Garbage." There was I guess some confusion over what I am trying to talk about here, and some people thought I was ripping on their favorite band or something.
I just want everyone to know that I don't mean any band called "Garbage." I didn't even know there was such a thing. And this isn't some kind of crazy metaphor or anything. I'm really talking about garbage, the kind that you throw away or avoid on the streets.
But I also just wanted to say: What the hell kind of stupid moron would name a rock band after something that sucks so bad? You might as well call yourselves "The Dumbass Retarded Shitfaces Who Are Too Stupid To Realize They Are Big Butt-Hairs," because that's what you must be if you think it's cool to call yourselves "Garbage." You could call yourselves TDRSWATSTRTABBH if that's too much for you to remember, you ass nuggets!
I didn't know this until today, but it turns out there is a band called "Garbage." There was I guess some confusion over what I am trying to talk about here, and some people thought I was ripping on their favorite band or something.
I just want everyone to know that I don't mean any band called "Garbage." I didn't even know there was such a thing. And this isn't some kind of crazy metaphor or anything. I'm really talking about garbage, the kind that you throw away or avoid on the streets.
But I also just wanted to say: What the hell kind of stupid moron would name a rock band after something that sucks so bad? You might as well call yourselves "The Dumbass Retarded Shitfaces Who Are Too Stupid To Realize They Are Big Butt-Hairs," because that's what you must be if you think it's cool to call yourselves "Garbage." You could call yourselves TDRSWATSTRTABBH if that's too much for you to remember, you ass nuggets!
Outer Space
I am SO STEAMED I can't even believe it. I feel like setting fire to my face and screaming until my eyeballs fall out.
There is so much garbage everywhere that there is even garbage in OUTER SPACE! Look!
OUR PLANET IS LIKE A GIGANTIC GARBAGE DUMP! IT'S DISGUSTING!
It's not bad enough that there is garbage in the oceans where we can't even see it without scuba diving, but people keep spitting it into OUTER SPACE, TOO! AAAAAAHHHHH!! If I were and alien and I was looking for a nice planet to visit and I saw earth from outer space I would say, "Hey, let's get the hell out of here man, look at all that garbage! No way we want to even go near that place! What a dump!"
I am SO STEAMED I can't even believe it. I feel like setting fire to my face and screaming until my eyeballs fall out.
There is so much garbage everywhere that there is even garbage in OUTER SPACE! Look!
OUR PLANET IS LIKE A GIGANTIC GARBAGE DUMP! IT'S DISGUSTING!
It's not bad enough that there is garbage in the oceans where we can't even see it without scuba diving, but people keep spitting it into OUTER SPACE, TOO! AAAAAAHHHHH!! If I were and alien and I was looking for a nice planet to visit and I saw earth from outer space I would say, "Hey, let's get the hell out of here man, look at all that garbage! No way we want to even go near that place! What a dump!"
I Heard A Rumor
I heard a rumor the other day that one day we will all be heating our homes with garbage. WHAT??! NO WAY!! NO way am I going to go digging through big piles of trash to keep warm! That makes me want to barf all over myself! I would rather freeze my face off a hundred times than have to depend on garbage for anything!
A better rumor would have been like, "Hey, you know what I heard? I heard that garbage totally sucks." and I would have been like "You bet your ass it does, that rumor is absolutely, 100% true!"
I heard a rumor the other day that one day we will all be heating our homes with garbage. WHAT??! NO WAY!! NO way am I going to go digging through big piles of trash to keep warm! That makes me want to barf all over myself! I would rather freeze my face off a hundred times than have to depend on garbage for anything!
A better rumor would have been like, "Hey, you know what I heard? I heard that garbage totally sucks." and I would have been like "You bet your ass it does, that rumor is absolutely, 100% true!"
Attacked
Today I was attacked by garbage!
My messy neighbors leave garbage in the alley, and it was so windy outside today that empty soda containers and junk mail and cigarette-butts came and swirled all around me while I was reading about black holes in my back yard. What am I going to do, man? garbage is everywhere, and now it is trying to KILL ME, following me around like a fat baby that wants more cookies!
Today I was attacked by garbage!
My messy neighbors leave garbage in the alley, and it was so windy outside today that empty soda containers and junk mail and cigarette-butts came and swirled all around me while I was reading about black holes in my back yard. What am I going to do, man? garbage is everywhere, and now it is trying to KILL ME, following me around like a fat baby that wants more cookies!
Garbage Is Tricky.
Don't be fooled by garbage that doesn't smell like horrible rotten bodies. Garbage isn't always going to be so obvious about how much it sucks so bad. Sometimes a big pile of garbage might even look like it has something in it that you can use, like a mop or a toaster, but stay away from it! If you are a garbage picker then go shoot yourself forty-seven times and never talk to anyone again, because you are a dumb elephant's butthole!
Don't be fooled by garbage that doesn't smell like horrible rotten bodies. Garbage isn't always going to be so obvious about how much it sucks so bad. Sometimes a big pile of garbage might even look like it has something in it that you can use, like a mop or a toaster, but stay away from it! If you are a garbage picker then go shoot yourself forty-seven times and never talk to anyone again, because you are a dumb elephant's butthole!
Garbage Makes Me So Totally Sick Man.
I saw some stupid guy the other day and he said Hey man, what are you talkin about? Don't like garbage then go home! and I said well fuck you, garbage is the worst and I don't have to listen to you if you are going to say mean and dumb things you stupid idiot shitface!
I saw some stupid guy the other day and he said Hey man, what are you talkin about? Don't like garbage then go home! and I said well fuck you, garbage is the worst and I don't have to listen to you if you are going to say mean and dumb things you stupid idiot shitface!
Sometimes Garbage Is Ok.
NO it's not. If you think garbage is ok then you should go away and stop talking. Many people suffer because garbage ruins their lives. I am one of them. Garbage is ruining my life and I hate it. Don't be fooled by people who say garbage is cool. Garbage is not cool, it sucks!
NO it's not. If you think garbage is ok then you should go away and stop talking. Many people suffer because garbage ruins their lives. I am one of them. Garbage is ruining my life and I hate it. Don't be fooled by people who say garbage is cool. Garbage is not cool, it sucks!
Saturday, May 01, 2004
I Got In Trouble
It wasn't my fault! Nobody ever told me it was illegal to beat the crap out of garbage bags!
My parents were going to throw away my old aluminum t-ball bat, so I said NO WAY, I can use that thing! So I took it home and I was going to just leave it near my door in case some nut tried to break into my house and I could whack him with it, but then I saw that my neighbors left a whole bunch of garbage bags filled with GARBAGE, JUST OUTSIDE MY DOOR!! I was so angry! I started running as fast as I could toward the garbage bags, swinging my bat over my head like a flag and the next thing I knew banana peels and dirty diapers and half-eaten tacos were flying all over the place, and then cops were wrestling me to the ground. They said I was screaming "GARBAGE! GARBAGE! GARBAGE!" like a lunatic, but I can't remember that too much. They didn't arrest me because the neighbors didn't want to press charges, but they made me pick up all the garbage even though I was barfing all over the place. Oh, and they took my bat.
It wasn't my fault! Nobody ever told me it was illegal to beat the crap out of garbage bags!
My parents were going to throw away my old aluminum t-ball bat, so I said NO WAY, I can use that thing! So I took it home and I was going to just leave it near my door in case some nut tried to break into my house and I could whack him with it, but then I saw that my neighbors left a whole bunch of garbage bags filled with GARBAGE, JUST OUTSIDE MY DOOR!! I was so angry! I started running as fast as I could toward the garbage bags, swinging my bat over my head like a flag and the next thing I knew banana peels and dirty diapers and half-eaten tacos were flying all over the place, and then cops were wrestling me to the ground. They said I was screaming "GARBAGE! GARBAGE! GARBAGE!" like a lunatic, but I can't remember that too much. They didn't arrest me because the neighbors didn't want to press charges, but they made me pick up all the garbage even though I was barfing all over the place. Oh, and they took my bat.
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