MMMMMMMMeat!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMeat!

My mom came into town a couple of weeks ago and my gramma and grampa took us all out to a steakhouse for dinner. What an american dream, the steakhouse is. I'm not a vegetarian- I was for a few years, but I fell off the wagon on a road trip to Florida when I ran out of money and was more or less obliged to eat the leftovers of my friends' cheeseburgers. But I don't really eat meat unless the opportunity presents itself, maybe because it's kind of expensive and I've gotten into the habit of not buying it when I go to the grocery store, I guess... But I still can't imagine making sure to include it in every meal, even though my parents always did while I was growing up. So I sometimes forget how a great deal of the rest of the country just doesn't consider a meal complete without a major helping of meat to round out the plate. But man, a steakhouse! I ordered a "rack of lamb" figuring, hey, I like gyros. Everyone else got a steak except for my annoying aunt Nicole who is three years older than me and is constantly whining. She got chicken, which she sent back to the kitchen after asking everybody at the table if it "looked pink to you?" When the food came I felt like a viking feasting after a successful pillage: There was so much meat on the table that its surface seemed to be made of glistening, half charred flesh, and we were all sawing away deeper and deeper into it with absolute confidence that more was on the way.

I Can't Believe It

I can't remember why, but I once had this girlfriend and she and her two roommates liked to buy these humungous, industrial sized garbage bags. They were these big, black monsters that could fit like six bodies inside easy. They'd stuff the thing in their little blue garbage can. When the garbage was spilling out all over their kitchen floor they would pull it out- only, the thing was so huge it would only be like a quarter full. So guess what they would do? THEY LEFT IT THERE, sitting in the KITCHEN, filling it up with garbage ALL WEEK until it was full. And when it was, when it was so full of garbage that they could barely wrap a twistie around it, IT WAS TOO HEAVY FOR THEM TO TAKE OUT! Ha Ha Ha! So long, Baby!

On Strike

All the garbage men in Chicago went on strike, so guess what Chicago did?
They dumped all the garbage into a baseball field! SORRY, baseball fans!
I'm not much of a baseball fan myself, but my uncle is, and he was like "Yeah, and they dumped in the White Sox field, right where it belongs." He said that because he likes the Cubs, which is this other baseball team in Chicago. Don't ask me why people would hate a whole team of baseball players just because they play on the opposite side of town. The only difference I can really see between the two is that the Cubs fans are all annoying and wear blue and think it's such a big DEAL that they are on their way to go and watch baseball, and White Sox fans just seem like regular city people who like baseball and just want to have a nice time. But all the fancy people like the Cubs, I guess because they think they look fancier in blue, so they dumped a whole buch of garbage in the White Sox's baseball field, which used to be named after these people called the Comiskeys, but now it's named after some dopey corporation.
See?
Play ball!

Fraggle Rock

What is wrong with people who make T.V. shows, man?
There was this show I used to like alot when I was a kid called "Fraggle Rock." It was about a whole bunch of little puppets with punk hairdos that lived underground. Whenever they needed advice about something they went up to the surface world to visit the "Trash Heap," which was this humungous mound of garbage wearing horn-rimmed glasses.
See?


If that isn't evidence that our children are being corrupted, NOTHING IS! I wish I was a little kid again and that show was still on so I could scream at the T.V. "GARBAGE CAN'T GIVE YOU ADVICE BECAUSE GARBAGE IS DISGUSTING AND IF YOU FOLLOW IT, YOU RETARDED FRAGGLES, THEN YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST PUPPETS EVER!"