v

Boop.

Food 1.3

I Hate Sauerkraut

Yum: I hate sauerkraut

I want to nuke saurkraut

I want to take the world's supply of sauerkraut, put it into a rocket and blast it into deep space

pfetzing: thats dumb. kraut is awesome

Yum: Wrong. It's the worst thing ever

pfetzing: that would be lima beans

Yum: lima beans rule

you can get them to sprout on a wet paper towel

you're thinking of water chestnuts

there is absolutely no reason for water chestnuts to exist

pfetzing: lima beans are fine in a casserole...not by themselves tho

i used to put ketchup on them as a kid because they suck so bad

Yum: ketchup is worse than saurkraut

I want to dump the world's supply of ketchup into a volcano

pfetzing: haha. what is your favorite food

Yum: sandwiches

pfetzing: everyone likes sandwiches

u dont put ketchup on anything? not even fries?

Yum: hell no

I hate ketchup

ketchup is on the LIST

All it does is make food wet and red and taste like vinegar

pfetzing: vinegar is good too

a little ketchup and a little vinegar mixed together, and ruffles potato chips...mmmmm

thats a treat my friend

Yum: sure, if you're from planet crap

On Planet Crap, all crappy food tastes good

pfetzing: u wouldnt make it on planet crap. u r too fancy with your sandwiches

Review 1.3

THOR

Asked to think of a character that would be impossible to work into the growing Hollywood repertoire of impressive CGI realizations of longtime comic book superfavorites, Thor springs directly to mind – There is no way, one would think, that a days-of-yore-speaking magical Thunder God is going to be taken seriously enough to feel at home with the other super-science Avengers origin stories, or that a studio would be willing to spend the time hanging around in the otherworldly realm of Asgard to portray his. Even recent comic book reimaginings of the Marvel Universe (the extremely popular Ultimates) have dealt with this incongruity by implying that the character is merely a regular old superhuman earthling deluded to believe he is a god.

But the long history of the Marvel Comics Universe is filled with celestial, heavenly and intergalactic conflicts with grand stakes -- Guardians of the Galaxy, The Infinity Gauntlet and The Secret Wars to name a few. While ignoring these expansive corners of the Marvel Universe might seem the obvious route for a film franchise out to keep itself manageable, it was perhaps only a matter of time before the Magic and the Gods worked their way in. And we're already talking about iron men and planet-eating alien entities and guys who turn into invincible green monsters; why not? In any case, the studio has thankfully eschewed the easy route in favor of giving us a real Asgardian origin story. The results are a beautiful, exciting depiction of a world that exists somewhere in the deep recesses of space, a believable deity to root for and a whole new set of rules by which to play.

Thor is a prince of Asgard, a heavenly realm that has been at war with a race of Frost Giants from the very fun to pronounce land of Jotunheim. Following a Frost Giant intrusion into Asgard on the day that Thor was to be named king, Thor leads a team of his friends to pick a fight that ultimately results in his getting stripped of his power and banished to Earth. Cue Natalie Portman, an astrophysicist whose work has centered on a series of weather anomalies that lead to her hitting Thor with an expensive-looking science truck in the middle of a New Mexican desert. Back in Asgard, a shrewd and silver-tongued Loki, Odin's second son, uses his brother’s banishment to make a play for the throne. With the help of his friends, human and Asgardian, Thor must figure out how to get home and stop his brother from screwing up the kingdom.

Once again underscoring the benefits of physical training for an actor in favor of the other way around, Chris Hemsworth’s chiseled Thor is charming and interesting, portraying a depth to a character that seems at times too weighty for a script filled with furtive gags (a script which, thankfully, opts to drop Thor’s characteristic “thees and thous”). At the same time, the character exudes a paternal respect for ordinary people appropriately aligned with the god and man relationship established by the story, leading to fish-out-of-water moments that are genuinely funny. Kenneth Branagh coaxed decent performances from his supporting cast as well, Tom Hiddleston’s Loki shining particularly bright as a tormented, jealous brother, giving us a real character to add to the mythology. It is, in fact, as much an origin story for Loki as Thor.

Thor is full of impressive, original visuals: Clouds giving way to nebulae and the speckled blackness of space. Lighting frozen in ice. An actual Asgardian rainbow bridge. The pacing of the film is brisk and exciting, contrasting the drama in Asgard against ours evenly, effectively keeping the beauty of this fantastic world consistently impressive. The action is crafty and cool; Thor pulls off some devastating signature moves heretofore only seen in the realm of the Video Game.

Some of the more expository and pandering aspects of the film are apparently given less attention, however, as if Branagh were less interested in capturing them. The story would get along just fine without Thor’s ragtag, multicultural band of warrior buddies -- they appear to exist solely for merchandising possibilities and widening appeal. After the initial action setpiece, the film struggles at times to give them something to do (fortunately, however, this allows for a scene in which Ray Stevenson makes himself an enormous sandwich).

Natalie Portman’s role as the romantic interest is forced, given not nearly enough time to pay off as the plot device for which it is later supposed to function. Also, other than a half-hearted pop-science debate and fretting about her confiscated research, Portman’s character does little to make believable her role as an attractive young astrophysicist. And in a bizarre bit of metafilming, Stellan Skarsgard seems to have been cast in this film specifically because he is a Nordic actor, affording the opportunity to give him lines like, "These are stories I read as a child," seemingly under the assumption that the audience can identify his slight Swedish accent or will see him in the credits with that circle thing over the last ‘a’ in his name. It’s hard not to suspect this same thought was present in the casting of Portman, a well-publicized Harvard graduate.

The dialog from these moments seems often taken straight from pre-production conceptual notes and delivered as wryly as possible by the characters: "Primitive people would probably have worshipped them as Gods." “My ex -- good at being a doctor, bad at relationships!” While a certain amount of this kind of thing is unavoidable with a science fiction story, in this case the work was already done well enough, and lines like this serve only to hammer information into your head. In general, the conflict in Asgard is far more fun and interesting than anything that is happening with the people on the ground, whose struggle to figure out all the cool stuff we already know comes off as little more than a vehicle to drive the movie to a dramatic goodbye kiss.

Food 1.2

Food I like that's orange:


Andy Capp's Hot Fries Corn and Potato Snacks

Andy Capp's Cheese Fries Corn and Potato Snacks

Extra Sharp cheddar Cheese

Karee Curry

Cheezits Snack Crackers

Orange Jarritos

Carrot Juice

Flan

Pumpkin Spiced Pretzels

Vegetable Puree Soup from Icosium

Chik Patties

Fried Tofu

Peaches

Dried Apricots

Translation 1.4

Translation transcript of this conversation between a spoon, a sneeze and an asteroid:

Harrison: I have only seen ketchup-flavoured chips in Canada

Pringles, Herr's

Yum: People also sweep ice off of frozen lakes in Canada

Harrison: You are going to have to go after the entire Canadian chip industry.

Sure. They also do that in Wisconsin

Yum: Why do you always try to turn the conversation to Wisconsin?

What is it with you and Wisconsin?

Harrison: We don't have to do anything.

Yum: This guy is always trying to talk about Wisconsin.

What's his deal?

Cagin: He likes cheese.

Yum: That's it?

Cagin: That's what I heard.

Yum: I don't like Wisconsin.

Food 1.0

Food I hate:


Sauerkraut

Water Chestnuts

Ketchup

Raspberries

Crappy Cake Frosting

Country Crock

Gravy

Green Bean Casserole

All of this food ruins other food. Why won't it just go away?

Translation 1.3

Translation transcript of this conversation between a Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Taco Bell Pacific Shrimp Taco:

Pacific Shrimp Taco: Fritos...?

Beefy Crunch Burrito: Heck yes! I am all that food can be.

PShT: Yeah, but Fritos?

BCB: Flaming Hot Fritos. They are much like crack.
BCB: In fact, someone is already going to jail over one of me

BCB: Or actually 7 of me

 


PShT: What?! Why?

 





BCB: Guy goes up to the drive through, orders 7 of me

BCB: Turns out they're not 99 cents anymore

BCB: 1.49 + tax.

BCB: He gets mad and shoots a bb into the drive through window with a fake gun

BCB: he has a couple more guns that he waves around in the parking lot, but when the S.W.A.T. Team comes and starts shooting he runs

BCB: barricades himself in a motel room

BCB: is forced out with tear gas

BCB: Turns out all of his guns were toys.

 

PShT: Sounds like a genius

 
BCB: Flaming Hot Fritos can make you perform amazing feats. Again, much like crack.

 
PShT: That's true.

PShT: By the way.
PShT: Did you see that new shrimp thing they have? Best idea ever.
 
 
BCB: Ick. No. There aren't going to be any shrimps left in the ocean.

PShT: Maybe the TacoBell ones are fake.

 
  BCB: hm. Shrump.

Work it

Future + Unitards

= Futurtards

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.8

eBay

Thank you for contacting eBay Live Help!
Pam has joined this session!

Agent Pam
Hello, thanks for waiting and welcome to eBay Live Help! My name is Pam. How may I help you?

Customer Hannicke
Hi Pam

Pam
Hi there!

Hannicke
I have a question

Pam
Sure... please go ahead!

Hannicke
So I was out to buy this map
Hannicke
This man he said it was a map to a golden egg but I can't find it
Hannicke
he can't do that to me
Hannicke
how can I tell if he swindled me?
Hannicke
other folks were making bids and I won this one

Pam
May I know if you had purchased the item?

Hannicke
Yes I bought it for real money
Hannicke
not that phony internet stuff
Hannicke
and guess what there wasn't not a thing in the middle of that parking lot
Hannicke
supposed to be this iron door, or whatever 'hot gate to safety' is supposed to mean
Hannicke
so what I want to know is how come I got swindled?
Hannicke
when all those other folks were bidding on it too

Pam
May I have the item number so that I can check it.

Hannicke
you ever been to hockey puck park?
Hannicke
it's down in the center of texarkana

Pam
No, I have not been there.

Hannicke
hang on a sec

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
oh well that's where this safe room it was supposed to be at

Pam
Okay.

Hannicke
it was cause there's this fault line right down the middle of the country, this one that when it goes will take out half the midwest
Hannicke
ripped to bits you know
Hannicke
and I was supposed to shack up in this safe room underground with cans of food and a toilet and a tv on a battery and everything

Pam
May I have the item number so that I can check.

Hannicke
and this guy didn't want to tell no one about it so he made up a map that he was gonna sell to a few folks and whoever found it first could have it
Hannicke
locked the other folks out, you see
Hannicke
I knew for sure I had all the clues just right
Hannicke
I read all about that kind of stuff
Hannicke
golden eggs and black boxes and special plastic keys
Hannicke
but this one it was going to be a big iron door, like from that poem
Hannicke
a big door right in the ground in the middle of hockey puck park in the center of texarkana
Hannicke
I was sure that was it
Hannicke
and I know nobody's found it yet cause I'd a heard
Hannicke
don't you think
Hannicke
it would have showed up on ebay or something at least

Pam
I would like to check the item number. May I know if you have the item number so that I can check it.

Hannicke
oh right hang on a sec

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
i think it is this one
Hannicke
(item number for the first thing that comes up on eBay)

Pam
Thanks for the information. Let me check that.
Pam
Just to confirm, may I know if the item is "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid (VHS)"

Hannicke
what?
Hannicke
Are you trying to sell something to me?
Hannicke
I'm sorry, but I do not want anything new.
Hannicke
I just want to know how to get this guy.
Hannicke
or make him tell me where the golden egg is
Hannicke
I don't want no VHS
Hannicke
what the heck?

Pam
Well, I just checked the item number and the title of the item is "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid (VHS)". I wanted to check if it is the right item.

Hannicke
Why would my ticket no longer be valid?
Hannicke
I just bought the thing.
Hannicke
that just doesn't make sense.

Pam
I was just verifying the item with you. I am not selling any item. Just was confirming if the item that you purchased has the above title.

Hannicke
can you make the ticket valid again for me, please?

Pam
In this situation you'll need to contact the seller by phone. I can provide you the steps to get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
I knew it
Hannicke
once a ticket gets invalidated everything becomes such a big problem
Hannicke
and nobody wants to help you anymore

Pam
Please be assured that, we cannot make the item valid as it is listed by seller who can do that, I can help you get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
oh that would be really great
Hannicke
I really want to talk to him
Hannicke
can you be on the line with me too?
Hannicke
wow, I want to give that guy a piece of my mind

Pam
To request your seller's contact information:

1) (Instructions)
2) (Instructions)

Hannicke
what?

Pam
3) (Instructions)
4) (Instructions)
5) (Instructions)
6) (Instructions)

Hannicke
oh
Hannicke
ok

Pam
You can follow the steps to get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
perfect
Hannicke
sounds good

Pam
Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Hannicke
yes one last thing

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
when did the ticket become no longer valid? I want to know so I can tell the guy that.

Pam
Well, there seems to be no problem with the item. You have to contact the seller so that he can help you with the ticket.

Hannicke
well then why the heck did you tell me it was no longer valid?
Hannicke
If it's still valid why can't you help me with it?

Pam
It is the title of the item that says "You're ticked is not valid"
Pam
Here is the link for the item (Link for a movie on VHS called "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid")

Hannicke
my virus protection wore off so my Aunt told me I shouldn't click on no links

Pam
Okay.

Hannicke
but if the title says it's not valid then that means it is not right?
Hannicke
should I go by something other than the title?

Pam
Yes you can search using a different title.

Hannicke
I just put in Golden Egg Map as a title and it gave me a link
Hannicke
can you please tell me what this link says?
Hannicke
(Link to a kids book called "Go Away Dog")

Pam
Okay
Pam
May I know if you are trying to purchase items from Half.com site?

Hannicke
no I don't want to buy nothing
Hannicke
man
Hannicke
you people are so persistent
Hannicke
I'm trying to escape from everything.

Pam
Could you elaborate a little more on this.

Hannicke
I'm almost out of money and I just want to hide in my safe place until after the earthquake comes and even this library will be gone probably but I don't care because I bet I can live in that thing for years and years
Hannicke
I don't want to buy no website, even if it's half priced or whatever
Hannicke
there isn't going to be no web or any other kind of site anywhere pretty soon

Pam
May I know if you want to buy or sell on eBay?

Hannicke
what?
Hannicke
I thought I already did do that for the map
Hannicke
the no good stinking not gonna help me at all when the time comes map

Hannicke
hello?

Pam
I have checked the item number.
Pam
I do not see that you have purchased the item.

Hannicke
Wait, am I actually talking to a person, or is this an automated system?

Pam
You are talking to a person.
Pam
The item number that you provided does not show that you have purchased the item.
Pam
You can click on "Buy it now" button on the item listing page and purchase the item.

Hannicke
Well that's strange because I have it right here in my hand.

Pam
May I have the email address that you used while registering on eBay?

Hannicke
no
Hannicke
that's private
Hannicke
I only give out my email address to my friends..
Hannicke
no offense because I think you are nice
Hannicke
but I don't think we are friends yet
Hannicke
and any way your system said you'd never ask for it, and don't share it

Pam
Well, to check your account, I'll need either the user id or email address. Do you recall the user id?

Hannicke
it should just be my name
Hannicke
which is Hannicke

Pam
I have checked the records and I do not find any account with the user id Hannicke!

Hannicke
Are you sure you got it right?
Hannicke
Han
Hannicke
like han solo
Hannicke
then Nick
Hannicke
like Nick Nolte
Hannicke
Then e
Hannicke
like ebay

Pam
Let me check that.
Pam
While I am pulling up your account, could you please verify your full name, address & telephone number that is registered to the account?

Hannicke
whoa whoa whoa
Hannicke
hang on there
Hannicke
I wouldn't give you my email address and now you want my home phone number?
Hannicke
the last thing I need is somebody coming into my house and stealing all the rest of my orange juice again
Hannicke
no way
Hannicke
when you find my account I'll tell you if you got it right

Pam
If you tell me the user id I can check the records and verify your account information. If you do not wish to give the account information then I won't be able to check if you have won the item or not. If you do not wish to provide the information then I can provide you the steps to contact the seller using email forwarding system so that you can get in touch with the seller and ask him for the item.

Hannicke
I'm pretty sure you did that already.
Hannicke
Thank you.

Pam
You're most welcome.
Pam
You can contact the seller using the steps give above.
Pam
Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Hannicke
I don't think so.
Hannicke
Thank you so much for giving me good help.

Pam
Thank you for contacting Live Help! To close this chat window, go ahead and click on the "Exit" button whenever you're ready.

Doodle 1.2

Poop Monster

Skeptic 1.3

I Got This Survey Phone Call


I got this "survey" phone call
It was supposedly a questionnaire about Rahm and Daley
And some of the new aldermanic candidates
And what kind of a job I think they've done
And what kind of a job I think they're likely to do
And who I'd be likely to vote for
In the runoff election

It seemed normal at first
But a few minutes in, the guy switched gears
He started in on "what people were saying"
About Molly Phelan
And John Cappelman,
Both contenders for Helen Schiller's spot
In the 46th Ward

He gave me a list of positive things for both of them:
"Now I'd like to tell you some of the positive things people have been saying."
And then he asked
Does this information influence your vote?
And I said maybe.

And then he said,
"Now I'd like to tell you some of the negative things people have been saying."
And he gave me some dirt on Molly Phelan
And he asked me if that would influence my vote
And I said maybe
And I waited to hear the dirt on Cappelman

But he didn't give me any dirt on Cappelman
He suddenly switched gears again
And tried to move on to a different line
About something else.

And I was like
Wait a minute
Give me the dirt on Cappelman now.

And he was like
This is just the next section of the survey.

And I was like
You told me negative things about Phelan,
I want to hear negative things about Cappelman.

And he was like
This is just the next section of the survey
And he tried to just start reading me the next question
Before I could try to stop him

So I told him to hang on
And put the phone down for ten minutes
While I looked up the company he was working for on the internet
And just let him sit.

Helen Schiller, you should know
Has been trying to preserve low-income housing in her ward for years
She's like,
Where are they going to go?
Upper-middle class whites who bought condos thinking to flip them are always mad at her
They are always picketing
They are like,
There is too much crime.
And she is like,
Yes there is crime.
Let's fix the problem with social programs.
Let's not just wipe them away so your property values can go up
And you aren't stuck in an unflippable condo.

But now that she's out
They want to get someone in
Who will get rid of all the section 8 housing
So they pitch in money
To hire people
To call people
And try to befuddle and manipulate them
With baloney "surveys"

When I picked up the phone again
The guy was like
Hello? Hello?
I told him I couldn't continue the survey
Because he was obviously hired to smear Phelan by the Cappelman people
In a really sneaky and insidious way
He just said ok
And hung up

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.7

Another Random Autoparts Store

Nick: Hello! My name is Nick. How are you?

You: Hello, Nick.
You: I am quite well, thank you.
You: How are you?

Nick: I'm well thanks.

You: Very good.
You: I would like to inquire about an addition to my Aston

Nick: Ok.

You: I would suppose that you have many archaic bits to apply to my vehicle, and have some experience with the implementation of such to classic vehicles.
You: Is this correct?

Nick: We have a few and I know some about how they would work with older vehicles.

You: Quite right.
You: In this particular case I would be inquiring about a seat warmer. You see the heating in the car is cozy enough in the winters, but ever since I upholstered the seats in treated north sudanese camel skin, the seats just refuse to warm up. It plays hell with my hemorroidal problem, if you want to know.
You: I realize that the value of the Aston is determined in part by its strict adherence to the technology of the era, but I believe I would be willing to make a subtle exception - hidden, if you will, and mum's the word. I can count on you for your discretion, yes?

Nick: These are the only type of seat warmers I am seeing that we carry.

You: Oh, I'm afraid that won't do. Won't do at all. Doesn't match the camel leather, you see. Is there nothing that can be placed discreetly within the seat itself?

Nick: Nothing that I am seeing.

You: I see.
You: Yes, well
You: I wonder if you might be able to help me just the same with another bit.

Nick: I'll try.

You: Good, very good. And thank you very much for your time today. You've been a tremendous help thus far of course.

Nick: Thanks, what else did you need help with?

You: In any case. Recently, in the interest of safety, I have replaced all of the windows with a transparent aluminum bullet proofing. A space-age wind shield, I'm told. But I'm afraid the external mirrored finish has been causing me no end of trouble of late.
You: The sun, it seems, can be quite a nuisance when beamed into the eyes of fellow motorists.
You: Narrowly avoided quite a bang up, if you want to know. If it hadn't been for the perpendicular glammy tires (also a quiet upgrade -again, mum's the word!) shooting me suddenly into the shoulder of the highway I'm quite sure the solid carbonite-steel frame of the vehicle would have torn easily through that... Chevy, was it? Anyway, that sedan of some sort would have been shall we say not much more than shreds on the pavement.

Nick: I'm not sure what you would be looking for for your transparent aluminum bulletproofing as you call it.

You: Right, yes.
You: Sorry to be such a bother.
You: I'm interested in more of a non-reflective bullet-proofing.
You: I'd like to inquire as to the options for the Aston DB4 GT.
You: A GT, you see- only way to travel.

Nick: No no it's quite alright I assure you I am only interested in the safety of all motorists you see and it would give me no greater pleasure than assisting you in your quest for parts.

You: Wonderful!
You: Then you have it!
You: You'll notice that the windows are quite small
You: So the quantity is probably not very troublesome.

Nick: I'm sorry but we don't carry any sort of bullet proofing as it could cause a few more troubles than it would be worth if it were to fall into the wrong hands and no longer be used for just safety but assault. You know liability is an issue.

You: Don't you know I had never thought of that, but now that you say so it does seem a rather ghastly possibility, doesn't it?
You: Quite a getaway car, I should say.

Nick: Was there anything else you needed assistance with today my friend?

You: Perhaps just the one last thing, and then I'll let you attend to your other patrons.

Nick: How considerate of you, what was your last request?

You: Well I seem to be having some trouble with the servos on my plate rotator. In fact as it is parked now on the roof of my estate the thing is stuck between two different license plates.
You: A person wouldn't be able to tell as it stands whether my Aston is registered to Montana or New York.

Nick: Well now that just wouldn't do at all.

You: No I should say not.

Nick: I will see if we have anything that could help remedy that unfortunate situation.

You: Please, and thank you again for your continued assistance!

Nick: It would appear that nothing we carry would be suitable for the resolution of such specialized needs as yours.

You: Hm.
You: Yes, well.
You: Thank you just the same.
You: It's quite a vehicle as it is. I suppose that I'll just give that old beast a good kick once in awhile.
You: That'll keep her going.

Nick: You're welcome and do consider us if you have any other needs in the future.

You: Of course. Please forward my thanks of your considerate attention to the management.
You: Good day.

All Things Meow 1.0

Mister Chillynose Was Mad At Me This Morning

Mister Chillynose was mad at me this morning
Because I locked him in the bathroom
Because he keeps eating Mouse's food.

He waits
Until he knows I am engrossed in something
I hear the tinkling of kibble
In the bowl

I see him eating as fast as he can
To get as much as possible
Before I catch him

He eats looking up
Giving the impression that he is not even enjoying it

Because he has to watch out
So he can run away
With the uneaten food in his mouth
And find a place that's hard for me to get to
So he can drop it on the floor
From his mouth
And eat it properly.

Even as I drag him away
He is still chewing

CTA Train Pain Campaign 1.5

Sent: Thursday, March 03, 2011
To: Feedback [CTA WEBSITE]
Subject: Transit Chicago Contact Us - L Intercom Volume

Comment: Please adjust the volume of the intercom systems on the trains. They should not be so loud that I can feel the vibration of every syllable in my seat and hands. I am aware of ADA concerns - this racket is not doing anyone any favors. I've complained about specific cars on specific runs before, and nothing has been done. You just send me an email about ADA requirements. This happens in 9 out of every ten trains I ride, so there is no reason to name a specific run or car. And I do not think the ADA is intended to put everyone through discomfort on their daily commute.

Most people who ride the trains are residents, and therefore ride the train often enough to know the stops and on which side the doors open, and therefore would be perfectly fine without any announcements at all. The remaining people who don't know whether the doors are opening on the right or the left would not be terribly inconvenienced if, for example, they guessed wrong.

This is never a problem on the buses. I offer that to you as a model. I realize that the train is intrinsically louder than the bus, but the announcements come only when the train is slowing down or completely stopped. Please, I beg you, please turn the volume down on the intercom systems on ALL of the train cars. PLEASE. Please please please.

Please.


[REPLY RECEIVED TODAY]


Thank you for your comments. We apologize for your poor travel experience. This issue has been forwarded to the responsible General Manager.

Again, we are sorry for the inconvenience.

We appreciate your comments.

CTA FEEDBACK TEAM


Sent: Monday, March 07, 2011
To: Feedback [CTA WEBSITE]
Subject: Transit Chicago Contact Us - L Intercom Volume

Comment: Today I bought some earplugs. It says on the box that the earplugs offer up to a 30 decibel reduction. I also put on my headphones and turned the volume of my music to its maximum level. These headphones have a maximum output of about 95 decibels.

Still I could hear quite clearly the train announcements from the intercom, as well as the annoying door chime. This means that the recorded announcements on the train intercom system are overwhelming a sound pushing through my earplugs at the 90+ decibel range at the very least. I could also quite clearly feel the vibration caused by overpowered speakers in the train around me.

Let me remind you that the American Speech and Hearing Association maintains that anything over 80 decibels is potentially harmful.

This problem is endemic to all of the train cars, and must be addressed. It is the very simplest and least expensive thing you can do to reduce the frustration and ire felt by the CTA riders.

Please turn the intercom system volume down.

Doodle 1.0

MY DESK IS IN FRONT OF A DRY ERASE BOARD.

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.6

Talking to a law firm.




Tom M.: How may I help you today?






Jake: Hi
Jake: How are you today





Tom M.: I am doing well, how are you?






Jake: I'm okay
Jake: my hand hurts





Tom M.: ok, how can I help you today?






Jake: I was hoping that I could get what Matt got
Jake: I had the same thing happen to me
Jake: that's how I found your site
Jake: Except I actually really did lost three of my fingers
Jake: And a couple of toes
Jake: My feet hurt, too

Tom M.: alright, well do you have a structured settlement, annuity, or pending lawsuit?





Jake: I really did LOSE three fingers
Jake: I like proper grammar
Jake: The internet is no excuse to misspell things
Jake: What are we, monkeys on typewriters?
Jake: Nobody seems to care except for me


Tom M.: We can appreciate a good joke too and I'm happy you got in touch with _________ . However, many of the people who contact us have pressing financial needs, and in all fairness, we must devote our resources to assisting them. Regrettably then, I'll have to end our chat now so that I can be of service to those customers.


Jake: I'm sorry. Excuse me. Did you need some of my information?






Tom M.: Sure, if you have a structured settlement, annuity, or pending lawsuit






Jake: I have a pending lawsuit, alright
Jake: They didn't tell me I couldn't bring my lunch into the shop room
Jake: it wasn't my fault
Jake: Am I saying too much?
Jake: It wasn't my fault, is all I mean.




Tom M. has left the chat.

Translation 1.2

[Translation transcript of this secret conversation between a shoe and a mastodon]


A shoe: I had a shitload of bacon on my pizza last night.





A mastodon: Sounds good. I had Italian beef on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a whole can of corn on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a single cracker on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a bear on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a liter of gasoline on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a comet on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a pair of shoes on my pizza last night.




A shoe: ...




A mastodon: What?

Review 1.2

Arcade Fire Video for THE SUBURBS

Has anyone seen the video for the Arcade Fire song, "The Suburbs"? I was extremely confused by this video the first time I saw it, and then I suddenly figured it out the next day.




Here's the thing. The video is saying: this is what you are doing/have done to Iraq. It all falls into place when you think of it this way, but one thing in particular that I like, which had me scratching my head the most the first time around, was the random big kid kicking the shit out of the boy in the fast food joint at the end -- the boy in the fast food joint represents the average Iraqi, who just wants to work and provide for his family, and the angry bully kid is the violence that has been unleashed in the country by our occupation, i.e. the ransom kidnappings, burglaries and other lawlessness caused by the destabilization of the region. The boy's friends are powerless to help him, and they end up flagging down an army guy for help, like, "Look what you've done to us, now we need you for security."



Other symbols include the bb guns in the beginning, I suppose representing the flimsy justification for occupation, the fact that there was violence there already, or a loose metaphor for WMDs.

Anyway, my friend Dapper Jent seems to agree with me, and he found this blurb somewhere on the internet:

"The music video is composed of excerpts from Jonze's short film, Scenes From The Suburbs, which will debut at the Berlin Film Festival, and has a running time of 30 minutes."

Poem 2.3

COMRADE COSMONAUT









Comrade Cosmonaut
Why are you so lonely?
Will no one love you?

Scam Fight 1.0

To Patricles
Subject: NEEDING HELP !!!!
From: ssamuel77@gmail.com

Hey

Am sorry i didn't inform you about my traveling but right now am in a
horrible situation in London,United Kingdom. I was mugged at gun point
at a Park,all my cash, credit card and my cell phone were stolen in
the process. Am sending this message out from a public library to
require your financial help in settling my hotel bills and my
transport to Heathrow International Airport to catch up my flight.
Please reply back immediately you receive this,am so depressed and
confused.

Thanks
Susan

Patricles  wrote:

Oh my god! Susan, are you okay? Please get back to me as soon as you can and tell me what i can do to help!

Patricles


Subject: Re: NEEDING HELP !!!!
From: ssamuel77@gmail.com

Patricles,

I'm glad you replied back and appreciative for your concern.The amount
am specifically needing to get me out of this horrible situation is
($900) to settle the hotel bills,am sending messages out from a public
internet library.Am so upset right now but you can wire the money from
a nearby via western union branch on my name as being told by the
hotel management.The name written below is as stated on my passport
and that can be a mode of identification to pick up the cash at a
western union office here in London. Here are the details :

Name Susan Samuel
Address London,United Kingdom

Email me the transfer details and confirmation as soon as you return,
my flight leaves in 3hrs.

Thanks
Susan


Patricles  wrote:

Oh I am so glad you are ok, Susan!

I have been informed that the best way to help people out in these situations is to send about 2 or three times as much money as the victim is asking for - that way you can get through the rest of your ordeal with a little bit more security by hiring yourself a bodyguard, taking taxis, renting a dog, etc. It is important at least that I make sure that you have a dog for the rest of the trip. I have done some quick research and have found several places where you can hire a dog with the money I'm sending - about $1800. Will that be enough? I have an extra $1000 standing by in case you run into trouble of course!

OK - First let's get the dog taken care of, ok? All you need to do is pick one of the dog rental places in your area and I'll take care of the rest.


Okay, Susan! Be careful!

Patricles


From: ssamuel77@gmail.com
Subject: Re: NEEDING HELP !!!!

Patricles,

I would be expecting your message by sending me the transfer details immediately you wire the funds and thanks for the idea of hiring a dog but all i need now it to settle the hotel and get to the airport.

To: ssamuel77@gmail.com
Subject: RE: NEEDING HELP !!!!

OK! I've found a place in London where you can pick up your dog! I've spoken with them about your situation and they've agreed to permit me to transfer a total of $3000 to their accounts. They will deduct the $220 plus $75 for two days from that total amount and provide the rest of for you in cash. And the best news of all is that they will allow you to take the dog on the plane with you, and arrangements have already been made to ship it back to London.

You need only choose between these listed breeds in order for me to finalize the transaction, ok?

1. A Long-Beaked Daschund.
2. A Yorkie-Pug Mix (aggressive strand).
3. A Toy Poodle.
4. A Blue Muffed Terrier.
5. A Grouper.

By the way, the dog rental place is called the Kozy Kennel. Do you know it? I am sure you can find directions in your local directory.

Stay safe! I hope you can make it to your plane on time!

Patricles


NO FURTHER RESPONSE.

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.5

Talking to Oregon

Art: how come there's no more camels? too many animal are going extint

kirby.d.mills: Well, I can look this up, but I doubt that camels ever existed in Oregon. Could you be thinking of a different animal?

Art: no I mean the camel

Art: because I know for a fact there's deserts in oregon that they just don't tell us of

kirby.d.mills: Hmm....let me check something

kirby.d.mills: I'm looking in the Encyclopedia of Mammals and camels have not existed in our continent--they are strictly Africa and Asia. The llama is in South America.

Art: thats what I was saying!

Art: the llama is the wrong kind of camel

Art: but I my friend has them all over his farm

kirby.d.mills: Well--the other types have never existed in North America--they seem to have evolved after the continents separated. Of course, someone could transport camels over here from Asia or Africa....but they don't *normally* live here.

Art: alls I was saying is that I think if we find that desert the camels won't be extint no more

Art: but you know what I think the llama is better than camels anyways

kirby.d.mills: Well....from what I can tell, the Asian and African camels evolved after the continents separated so we wouldn't even find fossils of them here. Llamas may actually be better for this area, if you decide to raise them here. In fact I'd bet on it.

Art: how long does it take for llamas to evolve into a camel?

kirby.d.mills: I'll see if I can find anything about their history...

Art: and do they eat the same kind of food?

Art: I wouldn't want to have to buy whole new food if I had llama food but not camel food

kirby.d.mills: Ah, I think I can find that pretty quick..
kirby.d.mills: It turns out you were partially right -- camels originated in the african and Gobi deserts, and parts of North America.

Art:See! I told you!
Art: And Oregon too

kirby.d.mills: Well that would be a bit of a stretch

Art: Alls you have to do is get up in one of them balloons and I bet you you'd find that desert.

Translation 1.0

[Translation transcript of this whalesong]

Whale1: Have you ever had dumbo gumbo?



Whale2: No. What is it?

Whale1: You know what gumbo is, right?

Whale2: Yeah, it's shrimp casserole made by Cajuns. It's almost as tasty as cajuns.

Whale1: Right, well, Dumbo Gumbo is gumbo with elephant meat instead of shrimp.

Whale2: Hm. Sounds good. Probably illegal.

Whale1: No, actually. A loophole.

Whale2: Cool.