Once upon a time there was an incredibly fat little boy who liked to play with trucks and little plastic army men. Every day the fat little boy would wake up when his mother would be getting ready for her job at the grocery store, sticking pins in her hair and wiping makeup all over her face, and he would get out a bowl of Apple Jacks and make some toast and eat until his mother gave him a kiss on the top of his fat little head and told him "Be good, Fat Little Boy, Mama's gotta go bag some groceries," and then he would drink the pink milk from his cereal bowl and wipe his mouth and get ready to play with his trucks. He had all kinds of different ones: trucks that were supposed to haul garbage, trucks to take his army men to battle, trucks that carried consumer goods and dirt and just about anything that you could think of that would need a truck. He even had a special toy truck that was designed to carry around other toy trucks.
One day he was playing with his trucks outside in the dirt, while his Apple Jacks were still digesting in his gurgling, fat belly, when another fat little boy showed up to play with him. This new fat boy had been watching the first fat little boy playing with his trucks for many days, and now he had finally worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself- because he liked playing in the dirt, but also because the first fat little boy had so many different kinds of trucks that he thought for sure they would have fun playing together.
"Hi," said the new fat boy. "My name is Philip the Woobler. Wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble wooble..."

This guy Adam just came over to my house and offered to buy me cigarettes and beer, and to watch his new copy of "Beast Wars- the Second Season" on DVD. He used to be my friend like six or seven years ago, but then for some reason that I was never able to get straight he decided he hated my guts and spent the next half-decade talking all kinds of smack about me to our mutual friends. But a few weeks ago he came over to hang out with my roomates (our mutual friends) and he started being nice to me again, giving me a cigarette, and giving me a ride out to this party in Logan Square that would otherwise have taken me like 100 years to get to. I guess he wants to be friends again, which I guess is okay, even if I think Beast Wars is really hokey.
By the way, I have been getting some hatemail lately, which I am not sure I really understand. I thought I was being really nice, but it turns out there are some people out there who think that's "lame," or "faggoty," and just because I can't see them when they communicate with me via the internet they threaten to do weird things to me. Weird, violent, disturbing things. Don't believe anything they say.