Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.6

Talking to a law firm.




Tom M.: How may I help you today?






Jake: Hi
Jake: How are you today





Tom M.: I am doing well, how are you?






Jake: I'm okay
Jake: my hand hurts





Tom M.: ok, how can I help you today?






Jake: I was hoping that I could get what Matt got
Jake: I had the same thing happen to me
Jake: that's how I found your site
Jake: Except I actually really did lost three of my fingers
Jake: And a couple of toes
Jake: My feet hurt, too

Tom M.: alright, well do you have a structured settlement, annuity, or pending lawsuit?





Jake: I really did LOSE three fingers
Jake: I like proper grammar
Jake: The internet is no excuse to misspell things
Jake: What are we, monkeys on typewriters?
Jake: Nobody seems to care except for me


Tom M.: We can appreciate a good joke too and I'm happy you got in touch with _________ . However, many of the people who contact us have pressing financial needs, and in all fairness, we must devote our resources to assisting them. Regrettably then, I'll have to end our chat now so that I can be of service to those customers.


Jake: I'm sorry. Excuse me. Did you need some of my information?






Tom M.: Sure, if you have a structured settlement, annuity, or pending lawsuit






Jake: I have a pending lawsuit, alright
Jake: They didn't tell me I couldn't bring my lunch into the shop room
Jake: it wasn't my fault
Jake: Am I saying too much?
Jake: It wasn't my fault, is all I mean.




Tom M. has left the chat.

Translation 1.2

[Translation transcript of this secret conversation between a shoe and a mastodon]


A shoe: I had a shitload of bacon on my pizza last night.





A mastodon: Sounds good. I had Italian beef on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a whole can of corn on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a single cracker on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a bear on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a liter of gasoline on my pizza last night.




A shoe: Sounds good. I had a comet on my pizza last night.




A mastodon: Sounds good. I had a pair of shoes on my pizza last night.




A shoe: ...




A mastodon: What?

Review 1.2

Arcade Fire Video for THE SUBURBS

Has anyone seen the video for the Arcade Fire song, "The Suburbs"? I was extremely confused by this video the first time I saw it, and then I suddenly figured it out the next day.




Here's the thing. The video is saying: this is what you are doing/have done to Iraq. It all falls into place when you think of it this way, but one thing in particular that I like, which had me scratching my head the most the first time around, was the random big kid kicking the shit out of the boy in the fast food joint at the end -- the boy in the fast food joint represents the average Iraqi, who just wants to work and provide for his family, and the angry bully kid is the violence that has been unleashed in the country by our occupation, i.e. the ransom kidnappings, burglaries and other lawlessness caused by the destabilization of the region. The boy's friends are powerless to help him, and they end up flagging down an army guy for help, like, "Look what you've done to us, now we need you for security."



Other symbols include the bb guns in the beginning, I suppose representing the flimsy justification for occupation, the fact that there was violence there already, or a loose metaphor for WMDs.

Anyway, my friend Dapper Jent seems to agree with me, and he found this blurb somewhere on the internet:

"The music video is composed of excerpts from Jonze's short film, Scenes From The Suburbs, which will debut at the Berlin Film Festival, and has a running time of 30 minutes."

Poem 2.3

COMRADE COSMONAUT









Comrade Cosmonaut
Why are you so lonely?
Will no one love you?

Scam Fight 1.0

To Patricles
Subject: NEEDING HELP !!!!
From: ssamuel77@gmail.com

Hey

Am sorry i didn't inform you about my traveling but right now am in a
horrible situation in London,United Kingdom. I was mugged at gun point
at a Park,all my cash, credit card and my cell phone were stolen in
the process. Am sending this message out from a public library to
require your financial help in settling my hotel bills and my
transport to Heathrow International Airport to catch up my flight.
Please reply back immediately you receive this,am so depressed and
confused.

Thanks
Susan

Patricles  wrote:

Oh my god! Susan, are you okay? Please get back to me as soon as you can and tell me what i can do to help!

Patricles


Subject: Re: NEEDING HELP !!!!
From: ssamuel77@gmail.com

Patricles,

I'm glad you replied back and appreciative for your concern.The amount
am specifically needing to get me out of this horrible situation is
($900) to settle the hotel bills,am sending messages out from a public
internet library.Am so upset right now but you can wire the money from
a nearby via western union branch on my name as being told by the
hotel management.The name written below is as stated on my passport
and that can be a mode of identification to pick up the cash at a
western union office here in London. Here are the details :

Name Susan Samuel
Address London,United Kingdom

Email me the transfer details and confirmation as soon as you return,
my flight leaves in 3hrs.

Thanks
Susan


Patricles  wrote:

Oh I am so glad you are ok, Susan!

I have been informed that the best way to help people out in these situations is to send about 2 or three times as much money as the victim is asking for - that way you can get through the rest of your ordeal with a little bit more security by hiring yourself a bodyguard, taking taxis, renting a dog, etc. It is important at least that I make sure that you have a dog for the rest of the trip. I have done some quick research and have found several places where you can hire a dog with the money I'm sending - about $1800. Will that be enough? I have an extra $1000 standing by in case you run into trouble of course!

OK - First let's get the dog taken care of, ok? All you need to do is pick one of the dog rental places in your area and I'll take care of the rest.


Okay, Susan! Be careful!

Patricles


From: ssamuel77@gmail.com
Subject: Re: NEEDING HELP !!!!

Patricles,

I would be expecting your message by sending me the transfer details immediately you wire the funds and thanks for the idea of hiring a dog but all i need now it to settle the hotel and get to the airport.

To: ssamuel77@gmail.com
Subject: RE: NEEDING HELP !!!!

OK! I've found a place in London where you can pick up your dog! I've spoken with them about your situation and they've agreed to permit me to transfer a total of $3000 to their accounts. They will deduct the $220 plus $75 for two days from that total amount and provide the rest of for you in cash. And the best news of all is that they will allow you to take the dog on the plane with you, and arrangements have already been made to ship it back to London.

You need only choose between these listed breeds in order for me to finalize the transaction, ok?

1. A Long-Beaked Daschund.
2. A Yorkie-Pug Mix (aggressive strand).
3. A Toy Poodle.
4. A Blue Muffed Terrier.
5. A Grouper.

By the way, the dog rental place is called the Kozy Kennel. Do you know it? I am sure you can find directions in your local directory.

Stay safe! I hope you can make it to your plane on time!

Patricles


NO FURTHER RESPONSE.

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.5

Talking to Oregon

Art: how come there's no more camels? too many animal are going extint

kirby.d.mills: Well, I can look this up, but I doubt that camels ever existed in Oregon. Could you be thinking of a different animal?

Art: no I mean the camel

Art: because I know for a fact there's deserts in oregon that they just don't tell us of

kirby.d.mills: Hmm....let me check something

kirby.d.mills: I'm looking in the Encyclopedia of Mammals and camels have not existed in our continent--they are strictly Africa and Asia. The llama is in South America.

Art: thats what I was saying!

Art: the llama is the wrong kind of camel

Art: but I my friend has them all over his farm

kirby.d.mills: Well--the other types have never existed in North America--they seem to have evolved after the continents separated. Of course, someone could transport camels over here from Asia or Africa....but they don't *normally* live here.

Art: alls I was saying is that I think if we find that desert the camels won't be extint no more

Art: but you know what I think the llama is better than camels anyways

kirby.d.mills: Well....from what I can tell, the Asian and African camels evolved after the continents separated so we wouldn't even find fossils of them here. Llamas may actually be better for this area, if you decide to raise them here. In fact I'd bet on it.

Art: how long does it take for llamas to evolve into a camel?

kirby.d.mills: I'll see if I can find anything about their history...

Art: and do they eat the same kind of food?

Art: I wouldn't want to have to buy whole new food if I had llama food but not camel food

kirby.d.mills: Ah, I think I can find that pretty quick..
kirby.d.mills: It turns out you were partially right -- camels originated in the african and Gobi deserts, and parts of North America.

Art:See! I told you!
Art: And Oregon too

kirby.d.mills: Well that would be a bit of a stretch

Art: Alls you have to do is get up in one of them balloons and I bet you you'd find that desert.

Translation 1.0

[Translation transcript of this whalesong]

Whale1: Have you ever had dumbo gumbo?



Whale2: No. What is it?

Whale1: You know what gumbo is, right?

Whale2: Yeah, it's shrimp casserole made by Cajuns. It's almost as tasty as cajuns.

Whale1: Right, well, Dumbo Gumbo is gumbo with elephant meat instead of shrimp.

Whale2: Hm. Sounds good. Probably illegal.

Whale1: No, actually. A loophole.

Whale2: Cool.

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.4

Shirl:
hello how are you doing

Maddy:
Hello Shirl.

Shirl:
I was hoping I could know who was the founder of Colorado?

Maddy:
Can you give me more information please.

Maddy:
What state agency are you trying to reach?

Shirl:
The state of Colorado

Maddy:
What department?

Shirl:
I dint do nothing wrong
Shirl:

If the mayor can't talk to me I want the founder

Maddy:
You can contact the Governors office at 303-866-2471

Shirl:
how many governers are there?

Maddy:
1

Shirl:
he cant help me
Shirl:
I tried to call and they hung up on me!

Maddy:
What number would you like?
Maddy:
If it is available on the State website we can locate it.

Shirl:
I just wan to know how many clouds is in colorado

Maddy:
Have a nice day Shirl.

Piece 3.3

HACKS

I think it’s fair to say that a person knows whether they are being original - let’s say in the process of creating something. When you set out to make something, I think it’s important to try to offer something that you perceive as new and interesting- I mean, one way to look at it is that people aren’t really going to pay too much attention to what you have to say (in the language of whatever medium with which you choose to express yourself) unless it’s interesting. There are lots of reasons that something might be interesting to someone, like for example it reminds them of something important they haven’t thought of for a long time or it’s just aesthetically pleasing to them, but I think a big one is that it needs to offer something new, some element of new. Either way it has to offer something worth thinking about.

SO what you are trying to do when you create something original is to catch and keep someone’s attention and ultimately have an impact on their life, which isn’t going to happen if the whole of what you’ve created doesn’t coalesce above the mean of filtered stimuli. What I mean by that is I think our brains get so much information all day long from everything we perceive that it naturally tries to process it all into either things it needs to figure out (meaning discover what its significance, relevance, and repercussions to it might be), or stuff that’s banal and can be glossed over because it’s significance etc. is already understood, and thus can be seen not as information in an of itself but more as a direct path or line leading to a predictable outcome. I see it as the same thing as learning a new instrument, for example. At first, all the notes you want on a piano are difficult to find because the sensations of touching the keys are new, of the way it feels to sit on the bench, of the way your muscles have to move and even the way the neurons in your brain have to fire to move those muscles in order to move from one note to the next, it’s all new. As you continue to practice those initial sensations get filtered out by your brain and you are free to coast right through them to the next new bit that takes your immediate attention, and you are getting better. You are LEARNDING. The more you practice the farther forward you can see - it’s like wearing a path through the weeds. You walk back and forth and back and forth, farther and farther, enhancing your awareness of what you want, which is on the other end of the path, until you can simply zone out and experience the bliss of communicating directly through music because everything in between is automatic. I think writing works this way, and so do all other forms of creativity.

I think that the focus on the immediate moment that comes from needing to pay attention to those first initial sensations always comes with learning new things. I think that living in the immediate moment stretches out time because it creates useful memories. I think most people feel like time passes by like a breeze because they don’t fill their lives up with enough interesting new things, and when they look back on their lives as older people they idealize their youth because things felt new then, and then they fell into a routine that their brain has just filtered out since then. It makes them feel desperate and dead. They crave these new things without knowing why. This is why people like stories and why people join the army. Our lives work the same way as learning the piano.

On the other hand another way to look at the question of originality is whether what is being done is a pastiche of something that has already had an impact or it has simply copied something interesting yet obscure in the hopes that the source will not be found out and associated, in which case it’s just a matter of the size of the audience. This point isn’t as fun to explore because so much of our impact in life depends on the quantity of the audience, which is sad because, like I read once in a Vonnegut essay, there are so many people in the world that are always going to be better than you at what you do, and because of the increased communication that results from modern technology, you are competing with all of them rather than finding a comfortable niche in your own beloved community.

One last thing I wanted to say about this, is that everything may have already been done that way before in a given medium, but that doesn’t mean the medium can’t be reinvented or combined in new ways with other mediums.

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.3

Conversation With California

Agent 4: Hello. How may I assist you?

you: i was wondering what is the state bird for california?

Agent 4: Quail

Agent 4: California Valley Quail

Agent 4: Adopted:June 12, 1931

Agent 4: All this information is found at the state library.

Agent 4: http://www.library.ca.gov/

Agent 4: Was there anything further I may assist you with.

you: yes how many clouds are there in california?

Agent 4: Okay that is not a realistic question.

you: oh ok

you: How many clouds are there just in one city. like san diego

Agent 4: If you need a state agency contact information we are more than happy to assist you. Otherwise please do not clutter our chat services.

you: I was number one in line

you: I thought you were the state of california

you: should I talk to Idaho?

Agent 4: We are directory services to the following website www.cold.ca.gov

Agent 4: We assist with locating state agency phone numbers.

Agent 4: We are not general information

you: oh sorry

you: what is the phone number to Los Angeles

you: ?

Agent 4: Los angeles what?

you: Los Angeles California

you: I think it is in there

you: I'm sorry - I have not been to California

Agent 4: That is a city not a State Agency.

Agent 4: You may want to visit the following website for State Agencies and their website.

Agent 4: www.ca.gov

Agent 4: Was there anything further I may assist you in Locating STATE AGENCIES

you: Oh no
you: I don't want to be a model or an actress

you: I just want to know what is the tallest man in Los Angeles?

Agent 4: Not a record that the State of California maintains. Any other questions.

you: Oh I thought it was. Do I need a license for that?

Agent 4: License?

Agent 4: Please be more specific

you: If that information is restricted I can try to get a license with you, right?

Agent 4: what information is restricted?

you: How many days do I wait after I apply?

Agent 4: for what? Please be specific

you: Oh I am sorry. I mean for the tallest man and the longest cow and...

you: hold on I have to check what I have to get

you: Oh and the fastest rodent of california

you: What is the state rodent of california?

Agent 4: So are you asking if there is a license to know the tallest man, longest cow or fastest rodent in California?

you: I thought you said I had to talk to an agency for that. don't you need to have a license?

you: I can provide only some information over the internet

you: not all of everything

Agent 4: No license exist.

you: ok good. I can just write it down if you tell me

Agent 4: Sorry there is no information to tell.

you: oh is it better to talk to Idaho?

Agent 4: I am not sure.

you: ok well I will try them, thank you just the same

Agent 4: Okay you are welcome. Fill free to visit the following website

Agent 4: www.ca.gov

Agent 4: Or

Agent 4: www.cold.ca.gov