Translation 1.4

Translation transcript of this conversation between a spoon, a sneeze and an asteroid:

Harrison: I have only seen ketchup-flavoured chips in Canada

Pringles, Herr's

Yum: People also sweep ice off of frozen lakes in Canada

Harrison: You are going to have to go after the entire Canadian chip industry.

Sure. They also do that in Wisconsin

Yum: Why do you always try to turn the conversation to Wisconsin?

What is it with you and Wisconsin?

Harrison: We don't have to do anything.

Yum: This guy is always trying to talk about Wisconsin.

What's his deal?

Cagin: He likes cheese.

Yum: That's it?

Cagin: That's what I heard.

Yum: I don't like Wisconsin.

Food 1.0

Food I hate:


Sauerkraut

Water Chestnuts

Ketchup

Raspberries

Crappy Cake Frosting

Country Crock

Gravy

Green Bean Casserole

All of this food ruins other food. Why won't it just go away?

Translation 1.3

Translation transcript of this conversation between a Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Taco Bell Pacific Shrimp Taco:

Pacific Shrimp Taco: Fritos...?

Beefy Crunch Burrito: Heck yes! I am all that food can be.

PShT: Yeah, but Fritos?

BCB: Flaming Hot Fritos. They are much like crack.
BCB: In fact, someone is already going to jail over one of me

BCB: Or actually 7 of me

 


PShT: What?! Why?

 





BCB: Guy goes up to the drive through, orders 7 of me

BCB: Turns out they're not 99 cents anymore

BCB: 1.49 + tax.

BCB: He gets mad and shoots a bb into the drive through window with a fake gun

BCB: he has a couple more guns that he waves around in the parking lot, but when the S.W.A.T. Team comes and starts shooting he runs

BCB: barricades himself in a motel room

BCB: is forced out with tear gas

BCB: Turns out all of his guns were toys.

 

PShT: Sounds like a genius

 
BCB: Flaming Hot Fritos can make you perform amazing feats. Again, much like crack.

 
PShT: That's true.

PShT: By the way.
PShT: Did you see that new shrimp thing they have? Best idea ever.
 
 
BCB: Ick. No. There aren't going to be any shrimps left in the ocean.

PShT: Maybe the TacoBell ones are fake.

 
  BCB: hm. Shrump.

Work it

Future + Unitards

= Futurtards

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.8

eBay

Thank you for contacting eBay Live Help!
Pam has joined this session!

Agent Pam
Hello, thanks for waiting and welcome to eBay Live Help! My name is Pam. How may I help you?

Customer Hannicke
Hi Pam

Pam
Hi there!

Hannicke
I have a question

Pam
Sure... please go ahead!

Hannicke
So I was out to buy this map
Hannicke
This man he said it was a map to a golden egg but I can't find it
Hannicke
he can't do that to me
Hannicke
how can I tell if he swindled me?
Hannicke
other folks were making bids and I won this one

Pam
May I know if you had purchased the item?

Hannicke
Yes I bought it for real money
Hannicke
not that phony internet stuff
Hannicke
and guess what there wasn't not a thing in the middle of that parking lot
Hannicke
supposed to be this iron door, or whatever 'hot gate to safety' is supposed to mean
Hannicke
so what I want to know is how come I got swindled?
Hannicke
when all those other folks were bidding on it too

Pam
May I have the item number so that I can check it.

Hannicke
you ever been to hockey puck park?
Hannicke
it's down in the center of texarkana

Pam
No, I have not been there.

Hannicke
hang on a sec

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
oh well that's where this safe room it was supposed to be at

Pam
Okay.

Hannicke
it was cause there's this fault line right down the middle of the country, this one that when it goes will take out half the midwest
Hannicke
ripped to bits you know
Hannicke
and I was supposed to shack up in this safe room underground with cans of food and a toilet and a tv on a battery and everything

Pam
May I have the item number so that I can check.

Hannicke
and this guy didn't want to tell no one about it so he made up a map that he was gonna sell to a few folks and whoever found it first could have it
Hannicke
locked the other folks out, you see
Hannicke
I knew for sure I had all the clues just right
Hannicke
I read all about that kind of stuff
Hannicke
golden eggs and black boxes and special plastic keys
Hannicke
but this one it was going to be a big iron door, like from that poem
Hannicke
a big door right in the ground in the middle of hockey puck park in the center of texarkana
Hannicke
I was sure that was it
Hannicke
and I know nobody's found it yet cause I'd a heard
Hannicke
don't you think
Hannicke
it would have showed up on ebay or something at least

Pam
I would like to check the item number. May I know if you have the item number so that I can check it.

Hannicke
oh right hang on a sec

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
i think it is this one
Hannicke
(item number for the first thing that comes up on eBay)

Pam
Thanks for the information. Let me check that.
Pam
Just to confirm, may I know if the item is "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid (VHS)"

Hannicke
what?
Hannicke
Are you trying to sell something to me?
Hannicke
I'm sorry, but I do not want anything new.
Hannicke
I just want to know how to get this guy.
Hannicke
or make him tell me where the golden egg is
Hannicke
I don't want no VHS
Hannicke
what the heck?

Pam
Well, I just checked the item number and the title of the item is "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid (VHS)". I wanted to check if it is the right item.

Hannicke
Why would my ticket no longer be valid?
Hannicke
I just bought the thing.
Hannicke
that just doesn't make sense.

Pam
I was just verifying the item with you. I am not selling any item. Just was confirming if the item that you purchased has the above title.

Hannicke
can you make the ticket valid again for me, please?

Pam
In this situation you'll need to contact the seller by phone. I can provide you the steps to get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
I knew it
Hannicke
once a ticket gets invalidated everything becomes such a big problem
Hannicke
and nobody wants to help you anymore

Pam
Please be assured that, we cannot make the item valid as it is listed by seller who can do that, I can help you get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
oh that would be really great
Hannicke
I really want to talk to him
Hannicke
can you be on the line with me too?
Hannicke
wow, I want to give that guy a piece of my mind

Pam
To request your seller's contact information:

1) (Instructions)
2) (Instructions)

Hannicke
what?

Pam
3) (Instructions)
4) (Instructions)
5) (Instructions)
6) (Instructions)

Hannicke
oh
Hannicke
ok

Pam
You can follow the steps to get the sellers phone number.

Hannicke
perfect
Hannicke
sounds good

Pam
Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Hannicke
yes one last thing

Pam
Sure.

Hannicke
when did the ticket become no longer valid? I want to know so I can tell the guy that.

Pam
Well, there seems to be no problem with the item. You have to contact the seller so that he can help you with the ticket.

Hannicke
well then why the heck did you tell me it was no longer valid?
Hannicke
If it's still valid why can't you help me with it?

Pam
It is the title of the item that says "You're ticked is not valid"
Pam
Here is the link for the item (Link for a movie on VHS called "Your Ticket is No Longer Valid")

Hannicke
my virus protection wore off so my Aunt told me I shouldn't click on no links

Pam
Okay.

Hannicke
but if the title says it's not valid then that means it is not right?
Hannicke
should I go by something other than the title?

Pam
Yes you can search using a different title.

Hannicke
I just put in Golden Egg Map as a title and it gave me a link
Hannicke
can you please tell me what this link says?
Hannicke
(Link to a kids book called "Go Away Dog")

Pam
Okay
Pam
May I know if you are trying to purchase items from Half.com site?

Hannicke
no I don't want to buy nothing
Hannicke
man
Hannicke
you people are so persistent
Hannicke
I'm trying to escape from everything.

Pam
Could you elaborate a little more on this.

Hannicke
I'm almost out of money and I just want to hide in my safe place until after the earthquake comes and even this library will be gone probably but I don't care because I bet I can live in that thing for years and years
Hannicke
I don't want to buy no website, even if it's half priced or whatever
Hannicke
there isn't going to be no web or any other kind of site anywhere pretty soon

Pam
May I know if you want to buy or sell on eBay?

Hannicke
what?
Hannicke
I thought I already did do that for the map
Hannicke
the no good stinking not gonna help me at all when the time comes map

Hannicke
hello?

Pam
I have checked the item number.
Pam
I do not see that you have purchased the item.

Hannicke
Wait, am I actually talking to a person, or is this an automated system?

Pam
You are talking to a person.
Pam
The item number that you provided does not show that you have purchased the item.
Pam
You can click on "Buy it now" button on the item listing page and purchase the item.

Hannicke
Well that's strange because I have it right here in my hand.

Pam
May I have the email address that you used while registering on eBay?

Hannicke
no
Hannicke
that's private
Hannicke
I only give out my email address to my friends..
Hannicke
no offense because I think you are nice
Hannicke
but I don't think we are friends yet
Hannicke
and any way your system said you'd never ask for it, and don't share it

Pam
Well, to check your account, I'll need either the user id or email address. Do you recall the user id?

Hannicke
it should just be my name
Hannicke
which is Hannicke

Pam
I have checked the records and I do not find any account with the user id Hannicke!

Hannicke
Are you sure you got it right?
Hannicke
Han
Hannicke
like han solo
Hannicke
then Nick
Hannicke
like Nick Nolte
Hannicke
Then e
Hannicke
like ebay

Pam
Let me check that.
Pam
While I am pulling up your account, could you please verify your full name, address & telephone number that is registered to the account?

Hannicke
whoa whoa whoa
Hannicke
hang on there
Hannicke
I wouldn't give you my email address and now you want my home phone number?
Hannicke
the last thing I need is somebody coming into my house and stealing all the rest of my orange juice again
Hannicke
no way
Hannicke
when you find my account I'll tell you if you got it right

Pam
If you tell me the user id I can check the records and verify your account information. If you do not wish to give the account information then I won't be able to check if you have won the item or not. If you do not wish to provide the information then I can provide you the steps to contact the seller using email forwarding system so that you can get in touch with the seller and ask him for the item.

Hannicke
I'm pretty sure you did that already.
Hannicke
Thank you.

Pam
You're most welcome.
Pam
You can contact the seller using the steps give above.
Pam
Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Hannicke
I don't think so.
Hannicke
Thank you so much for giving me good help.

Pam
Thank you for contacting Live Help! To close this chat window, go ahead and click on the "Exit" button whenever you're ready.

Doodle 1.2

Poop Monster

Skeptic 1.3

I Got This Survey Phone Call


I got this "survey" phone call
It was supposedly a questionnaire about Rahm and Daley
And some of the new aldermanic candidates
And what kind of a job I think they've done
And what kind of a job I think they're likely to do
And who I'd be likely to vote for
In the runoff election

It seemed normal at first
But a few minutes in, the guy switched gears
He started in on "what people were saying"
About Molly Phelan
And John Cappelman,
Both contenders for Helen Schiller's spot
In the 46th Ward

He gave me a list of positive things for both of them:
"Now I'd like to tell you some of the positive things people have been saying."
And then he asked
Does this information influence your vote?
And I said maybe.

And then he said,
"Now I'd like to tell you some of the negative things people have been saying."
And he gave me some dirt on Molly Phelan
And he asked me if that would influence my vote
And I said maybe
And I waited to hear the dirt on Cappelman

But he didn't give me any dirt on Cappelman
He suddenly switched gears again
And tried to move on to a different line
About something else.

And I was like
Wait a minute
Give me the dirt on Cappelman now.

And he was like
This is just the next section of the survey.

And I was like
You told me negative things about Phelan,
I want to hear negative things about Cappelman.

And he was like
This is just the next section of the survey
And he tried to just start reading me the next question
Before I could try to stop him

So I told him to hang on
And put the phone down for ten minutes
While I looked up the company he was working for on the internet
And just let him sit.

Helen Schiller, you should know
Has been trying to preserve low-income housing in her ward for years
She's like,
Where are they going to go?
Upper-middle class whites who bought condos thinking to flip them are always mad at her
They are always picketing
They are like,
There is too much crime.
And she is like,
Yes there is crime.
Let's fix the problem with social programs.
Let's not just wipe them away so your property values can go up
And you aren't stuck in an unflippable condo.

But now that she's out
They want to get someone in
Who will get rid of all the section 8 housing
So they pitch in money
To hire people
To call people
And try to befuddle and manipulate them
With baloney "surveys"

When I picked up the phone again
The guy was like
Hello? Hello?
I told him I couldn't continue the survey
Because he was obviously hired to smear Phelan by the Cappelman people
In a really sneaky and insidious way
He just said ok
And hung up

Abusing Online Chat Customer Support 1.7

Another Random Autoparts Store

Nick: Hello! My name is Nick. How are you?

You: Hello, Nick.
You: I am quite well, thank you.
You: How are you?

Nick: I'm well thanks.

You: Very good.
You: I would like to inquire about an addition to my Aston

Nick: Ok.

You: I would suppose that you have many archaic bits to apply to my vehicle, and have some experience with the implementation of such to classic vehicles.
You: Is this correct?

Nick: We have a few and I know some about how they would work with older vehicles.

You: Quite right.
You: In this particular case I would be inquiring about a seat warmer. You see the heating in the car is cozy enough in the winters, but ever since I upholstered the seats in treated north sudanese camel skin, the seats just refuse to warm up. It plays hell with my hemorroidal problem, if you want to know.
You: I realize that the value of the Aston is determined in part by its strict adherence to the technology of the era, but I believe I would be willing to make a subtle exception - hidden, if you will, and mum's the word. I can count on you for your discretion, yes?

Nick: These are the only type of seat warmers I am seeing that we carry.

You: Oh, I'm afraid that won't do. Won't do at all. Doesn't match the camel leather, you see. Is there nothing that can be placed discreetly within the seat itself?

Nick: Nothing that I am seeing.

You: I see.
You: Yes, well
You: I wonder if you might be able to help me just the same with another bit.

Nick: I'll try.

You: Good, very good. And thank you very much for your time today. You've been a tremendous help thus far of course.

Nick: Thanks, what else did you need help with?

You: In any case. Recently, in the interest of safety, I have replaced all of the windows with a transparent aluminum bullet proofing. A space-age wind shield, I'm told. But I'm afraid the external mirrored finish has been causing me no end of trouble of late.
You: The sun, it seems, can be quite a nuisance when beamed into the eyes of fellow motorists.
You: Narrowly avoided quite a bang up, if you want to know. If it hadn't been for the perpendicular glammy tires (also a quiet upgrade -again, mum's the word!) shooting me suddenly into the shoulder of the highway I'm quite sure the solid carbonite-steel frame of the vehicle would have torn easily through that... Chevy, was it? Anyway, that sedan of some sort would have been shall we say not much more than shreds on the pavement.

Nick: I'm not sure what you would be looking for for your transparent aluminum bulletproofing as you call it.

You: Right, yes.
You: Sorry to be such a bother.
You: I'm interested in more of a non-reflective bullet-proofing.
You: I'd like to inquire as to the options for the Aston DB4 GT.
You: A GT, you see- only way to travel.

Nick: No no it's quite alright I assure you I am only interested in the safety of all motorists you see and it would give me no greater pleasure than assisting you in your quest for parts.

You: Wonderful!
You: Then you have it!
You: You'll notice that the windows are quite small
You: So the quantity is probably not very troublesome.

Nick: I'm sorry but we don't carry any sort of bullet proofing as it could cause a few more troubles than it would be worth if it were to fall into the wrong hands and no longer be used for just safety but assault. You know liability is an issue.

You: Don't you know I had never thought of that, but now that you say so it does seem a rather ghastly possibility, doesn't it?
You: Quite a getaway car, I should say.

Nick: Was there anything else you needed assistance with today my friend?

You: Perhaps just the one last thing, and then I'll let you attend to your other patrons.

Nick: How considerate of you, what was your last request?

You: Well I seem to be having some trouble with the servos on my plate rotator. In fact as it is parked now on the roof of my estate the thing is stuck between two different license plates.
You: A person wouldn't be able to tell as it stands whether my Aston is registered to Montana or New York.

Nick: Well now that just wouldn't do at all.

You: No I should say not.

Nick: I will see if we have anything that could help remedy that unfortunate situation.

You: Please, and thank you again for your continued assistance!

Nick: It would appear that nothing we carry would be suitable for the resolution of such specialized needs as yours.

You: Hm.
You: Yes, well.
You: Thank you just the same.
You: It's quite a vehicle as it is. I suppose that I'll just give that old beast a good kick once in awhile.
You: That'll keep her going.

Nick: You're welcome and do consider us if you have any other needs in the future.

You: Of course. Please forward my thanks of your considerate attention to the management.
You: Good day.

All Things Meow 1.0

Mister Chillynose Was Mad At Me This Morning

Mister Chillynose was mad at me this morning
Because I locked him in the bathroom
Because he keeps eating Mouse's food.

He waits
Until he knows I am engrossed in something
I hear the tinkling of kibble
In the bowl

I see him eating as fast as he can
To get as much as possible
Before I catch him

He eats looking up
Giving the impression that he is not even enjoying it

Because he has to watch out
So he can run away
With the uneaten food in his mouth
And find a place that's hard for me to get to
So he can drop it on the floor
From his mouth
And eat it properly.

Even as I drag him away
He is still chewing

CTA Train Pain Campaign 1.5

Sent: Thursday, March 03, 2011
To: Feedback [CTA WEBSITE]
Subject: Transit Chicago Contact Us - L Intercom Volume

Comment: Please adjust the volume of the intercom systems on the trains. They should not be so loud that I can feel the vibration of every syllable in my seat and hands. I am aware of ADA concerns - this racket is not doing anyone any favors. I've complained about specific cars on specific runs before, and nothing has been done. You just send me an email about ADA requirements. This happens in 9 out of every ten trains I ride, so there is no reason to name a specific run or car. And I do not think the ADA is intended to put everyone through discomfort on their daily commute.

Most people who ride the trains are residents, and therefore ride the train often enough to know the stops and on which side the doors open, and therefore would be perfectly fine without any announcements at all. The remaining people who don't know whether the doors are opening on the right or the left would not be terribly inconvenienced if, for example, they guessed wrong.

This is never a problem on the buses. I offer that to you as a model. I realize that the train is intrinsically louder than the bus, but the announcements come only when the train is slowing down or completely stopped. Please, I beg you, please turn the volume down on the intercom systems on ALL of the train cars. PLEASE. Please please please.

Please.


[REPLY RECEIVED TODAY]


Thank you for your comments. We apologize for your poor travel experience. This issue has been forwarded to the responsible General Manager.

Again, we are sorry for the inconvenience.

We appreciate your comments.

CTA FEEDBACK TEAM


Sent: Monday, March 07, 2011
To: Feedback [CTA WEBSITE]
Subject: Transit Chicago Contact Us - L Intercom Volume

Comment: Today I bought some earplugs. It says on the box that the earplugs offer up to a 30 decibel reduction. I also put on my headphones and turned the volume of my music to its maximum level. These headphones have a maximum output of about 95 decibels.

Still I could hear quite clearly the train announcements from the intercom, as well as the annoying door chime. This means that the recorded announcements on the train intercom system are overwhelming a sound pushing through my earplugs at the 90+ decibel range at the very least. I could also quite clearly feel the vibration caused by overpowered speakers in the train around me.

Let me remind you that the American Speech and Hearing Association maintains that anything over 80 decibels is potentially harmful.

This problem is endemic to all of the train cars, and must be addressed. It is the very simplest and least expensive thing you can do to reduce the frustration and ire felt by the CTA riders.

Please turn the intercom system volume down.

Doodle 1.0

MY DESK IS IN FRONT OF A DRY ERASE BOARD.