How To 1.1

How To Rip Ass in Public Without Getting Arrested

Dude, these are dangerous freakin' times. Scary dangerous. Gut-stomping fascists roam the streets, enforcing some new crap-ass law that pops up every other day; people rat each other out for pats on the head; and the Great Eye is always watching, so you can't do nothing without getting in trouble. You can't even rip ass in public anymore without getting arrested.

Until now.

Listen. I got the scoop. You want to know how to rip ass in public without getting arrested? Follow my tried-and-true advice, and you, too, can steal a tiny bit of your freedom back from The Man.

Before we go any further, though, let's get one thing straight: there is only one really good way to rip ass. You need a full-blown, 25-alarm explosion. Bam! Force it out like Steamboat Willie! Chuck it like Charles in Charge! Criminalizing this activity is nothing less than an assault against Mother Nature in all her magnificence.

This being a universal zero-tolerance dystopia, you can forget about packing your cabeza with excuses. None of them are going to do you any good when the Ministry of Love gets wind of your deed and breaks out the batons. But if you keep these key factors in mind, you can keep your can out of the clink.

If a Tree Falls in the Forest...

Obviously, if no one hears you rip ass, you didn't. Sure, it would be nice if you could freely rip ass when nobody else was around. But these days, nobody's ever really alone, are they? No. There's always somebody – or something – watching and listening. You may recall the old nursery rhyme:

No more tears

From parents nor peers

The walls are mirrors

Eyes and ears

They'll see and hear

So far and near,

For years and years

And years and years...

So here's what I do, friend, if I'm walking down the street and I get the notion I'm about to blow my cork: I wait a few seconds until the next Acquisitions truck rushes down the street for a fresh load of Freethinkers. Just as it zooms by me, right when the sirens are at their loudest: Ba-DAM! Unless someone is staring right at my ass, watching for my speed suit to puff out like a quadruple amputee trying to escape from a steam tent, I'm all good.

Evasive Maneuvers

The above method won't work if you happen to be out on a Sunday. Oh, yes, you can rip ass on Quietude Day: The day of the week when the fascists are listening their hardest for the sounds we train ourselves all week long to hide – smooch sounds, laughing, cursing. Ripping ass. I'm telling you straight, dude. I do it all the time.

Remember: If you are nowhere near the epicenter of the ass-ripping by the time anyone's senses zero in, you have successfully ripped ass in public. In other words, rip ass on the move.

Letting one fly while suddenly changing direction is a one way to pull this off. As you approach a tight corner, make sure no one is following directly behind you. Wait until the exact moment when you reach the point when the avenues converge-then unleash, turn 90 degrees, and keep walking. Watch with silent glee as your fellow pedestrians are too traumatized to figure out exactly where the offending ba-doom came.

Other great opportunities to rip ass on the move:

When you are sliding down a brunch, lunch, or "dunch" pole.

When you are jumping into a chemical inoculation bath.

When you are being beaten anyway, in which case you'll want to try to time ass ripping to coincide with the officer's grunts.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Ripping ass on the move works well enough, but we spend most of our days indoors. Between Info-Condensing, Historical Erasure, and Ideological Indoctrination classes, you probably find yourself sitting around in public places a lot, surrounded by people who would sic the Torture Brigade on their own mamas for ripping ass.

What to do?

The sounds of blowing out your sinuses and ripping ass are very similar in depth, pitch, and volume. Carry a hanky around with you, and time your ass-ripping so that it coincides with honking out your nose. Be sure not to pull this maneuver if you are sitting very close to a colleague, because the vibration in the seat will give you away.

Accuse the Accuser

Any one of these strategies involves a certain amount of risk. But stay calm, Chilly Willy-if a fellow citizen suspects you of ripping ass, follow this script and watch them clam up:

Them: "Did you just rip ass?"

You: "No way, dude. That was you."

It's our word against theirs, right?

Congratulations. You've just enriched your life by eking out the tiniest sliver of daily freedom. May there come a day when those Party creeps get recalled back to whatever-the-hell dimension from which they were spawned. Until then, let her rip, soldier.