I Am Dirty

Here is my wisdom. May it aid you.

“How To Get Away With Almost Never Going To the Laundramat”

The first thing you need to keep in mind is that not everyone can really get away with this. Some people just really fuckin stink. Not much they can do about it- they just do, and it sticks to their clothes even if they’re out swimming in a chlorinated pool and they only just throw on a t-shirt real quick to go out an get more beer. Could be their diet’s got way too much beef in it, who knows.
Anyway, you know who you are if you smell like garbage all the time, so you might as well just stop reading this because it’s not going to help you. All you other people, though, you should listen up, because if you’re anything like me just about every surface of your room, and maybe even some of the common areas like the kitchen table or the couch has dirty clothes flopped over it. And you probably have more clothes than most people, at the very least more t-shirts and socks, because the more you have the less often you have to wash them. Good for you. You may even have a small collection of other people’s socks, if your friends are one of two things:
1. Not too concerned about their personal belongings remaining in the proximity of their person, or
2. Really fuckin sick of your feet smelling like vomit and fritos every time you come over to watch The Simpsons or CSI or something. (Note: I don’t care if you almost never have to take a shower because you sweat ice cream or your skin is made out of lilac petals, your feet are going to stink like death if you don’t change your socks for a week, even if you are just sitting around your apartment downloading internet porn all day.)
Right. So. To begin with, lets hammer out the details. First of all, certain types of clothing last a little bit longer than others, as far as how long it takes for them to become unwearable. We’ve already touched on the socks a bit, but we’ll get back to those. Just remember the main thing with socks is that you can usually wear them for three or four days in a row before the soles start to get stiff from the dried sweat, unless you have shoes that don’t breathe very well, in which case that could happen after only one day. You can prolong the life of a single sock by simply turning it upside down, so the softer cotton is on the bottom of your foot and the black, soiled part is on the crest of your foot.
The next logical article to address would of course be shorts- but I’m going to save that for a little bit later. They get their own special attention.
In fact, let’s go from the top down. We’ll start with sweaters. Sweaters, they are great, because you almost always wear at least one or two shirts underneath. Let that be lesson number one: Multiple Layers Act As A “Buffer” For Your Stench. Since the weave for a sweater is much more sparce than most other clothing, if you have to you can just wave it around outside for a second if its carrying that musty, rusty-iron dirty laundry smell. Take it by the shoulders, give it a good flick to shake the lint and dust free, being careful to “avert your head” so the dust doesn’t get into your eyes and lungs, and then wave it in the breeze for maybe a minute. Trust me, you will be smelling like Jesus only wished he could. And another thing about sweaters is they don’t wrinkle. Honesly, I can’t tell you how many times I was running late for something, digging through all my piles of dirty laundry and a sweater saved my ass. Not everybody is a sweater person, but I highly recommend you have a couple of them laying around.
Next come the button-downs. You know, dress shirts. Again, these are advantageous because there is another shirt underneath (see Rule Number One.) And they mostly look real sharp- all you have to do is button yourself up and the whole package is 300 percent neater. It’s like making your bed. No matter how much crap you got lying all over the place in your room, as soon as you make the bed the place neat as a showroom floor at IKEA. But the problem with dress shirts is that they get wrinkled easily. It’s the only item of clothing that can give you away at-a-glance. There are a couple of different ways to get around this.
First, if you have to take a shower anyway, you can hang the shirt up in the bathroom, preferably right on the other side of the shower curtain from you, to steam it out. This will also attack the stink, if there is a stink, which there more than likely is. Steaming your shirt in this way will slightly relax the fibers, so the sharp creases of the wrinkles won’t be as obvious. Plus, because you yourself are freshly clean from your shower, there is the illusion that you have actually just washed the shirt, too, and you might be able to go through the whole day happily deluded in this way.
Next, there are ways to actually physically cover a large portion of the surface of the shirt. Remember: this is a dress shirt. You can accessorize. That’s what they’re for. So let’s say a few weeks ago you went straight to MacDonald’s after work. Don’t know why you would do that, but let’s just say. Actually, forget MacDonald’s. Let’s forget that such a place even exists. Let’s say instead that you went up to Demon Dogs, that tasty hotdog joint right underneath the redline. So you order yourself a nice, big, double dog, and you have them drown it in that yellow shit someone somewhere decided was cheeze, and then you pile on all kinds of onions and peppers and tomatoes and shit. You grab a stool over by the window so you can watch the people waiting out in the cold for the bus, even though there is this huge white sign with big black letters that says “CTA Commuters, feel free to wait inside.” And you’re munching on your cheezy double-dog and fries, absently dipping your hand repeatedly into the paper tray, not really paying all that much attention to what you’re doing because one of the guys waiting for the bus is talking on his cellphone so loud that you can hear him through the glass, and you are fantasizing all kinds of evil things to suddenly happen to him. Like the bus hops the curb and flattens him against Demon Dogs, or sparks from the redline fall down on him and he catches fire because his cologne is flammable, and he has to run away screaming while the person on the other end just keeps on saying “Hello? Hello?” The bus comes and he goes off to bother someone else, and by then you have finished your double dog, and you don’t feel like finishing the fries, but when you look down to see how many are left, you notice cheeze has drooled all the way down you shirt.
Napkins, even if they are soaked with water, will not remove all of the evidence of this when you find it weeks later. There will still be dark splotches from the oil they pour into that crap. This is why God created TIES. The wider the better, never mind if you think you’d look like a square. That’s right, wrap that thing around your neck and let it hang down over your cheeze stains, and noone will ever know the difference. In fact, they, whoever they may be, will think you are the kind of guy that goes that extra step to make an impression. How about that.
And let’s not forget suit jackets. Talk about sharp. When you’re wearing a suit jacket, your dress shirt can be wrinklier than your gramma’s gramma, and you’d still cut a fine figure under light scrutiny.
Moving right along, we get to the t-shirts. There are two different kinds of t-shirts: The t-shirt you like, that expresses your personality in some way, and the strictly functional t-shirt. The function of a t-shirt, again, is covered in Rule Number One.
Both kinds of t-shirts are functional, when you get right down to it, but the key is to have plenty of them. Because for the best results, it is a good idea to get into the habit of wearing TWO t-shirts at once. This may sound silly and redundant if you aren’t used to the idea, but think about it for a second. Double the buffer, first of all (Rule Number One.) And second, you already have your wardrobe picked out for the next couple of days. If you are going to be seeing the same people tomorrow, just turn the whole ensemble inside out! Now you still have two t-shirts, and there you are with a whole new outfit. (If you don’t like wearing t-shirts inside out, then you can take the extra step to readjust the outer layer, but you should be aware that wearing t-shirts inside out is not forbidden ground. Who cares? It doesn’t look all that different, really. And it will hide other cheeze or coffee stains, for the most part. Don’t cheat yourself by limiting your options.)
This brings me to Rule Number Two: Who Says You Have To Change Your Clothes Every Day? Especially if you are NOT going to be seeing the same people two days in a row. What’s a day but hours stacked onto other hours?
But if all of your t-shirts are disgusting because you have been following the first two rules for weeks (good for you), then there is no alternative but to take them to the bathroom sink. This process is easy, but it will be covered here later on, so hang in there.
Pants. Let me take a second to say what a wonderful word is “Pants.” I really like to say It, over and over. Pants pants pants pants pants.
Depending on your personal preference and monetary situation, you may have any number of different kinds of pants. Some pants don’t last long after many days of consecutive duty, some pants can go practically forever without ever being washed at all. The longer they can go without being washed, the more difficult they are to get clean when they start to rot, if they can get clean at all. But the key here is that pants can be worn every day, just like your shoes, if you do it the right way.
Whatever kind of pants you like, whatever you do, don’t think that white pants are sharp. They’re not. If you buy white, or even light colored pants, all you’re doing is wasting your time and cash, and you end up looking like Don Johnson from Miami Vice, which is NOT sharp. It’s LAME. Go with dark tones. Dark tones will hide almost everything, and even if there are visible stains they usually blend in well and it looks like you live an active lifestyle, which is respectable and interesting.
Right. So, like I said, some hold up better than others. Denim jeans are the most rugged, were in fact originally designed, at least according to my eighth-grade history teacher, Mrs. Steidle, by Enrico Levi, who also invented the cotton gin, to stand up to the rigors faced by the wealth-seekers of the Great American Gold Rush in 1492. He made more money than most of the bozos out there ripping up the earth and draining the rivers in search of gold, because they had to give it all to him, because he had such great pants, when they found their flimsy cotton pants were hanging off of their asses in shredded bits and pieces.
So jeans are great for long term use, but they are difficult to wash. You can’t really get around having to throw them in the washing machine, and usually if you wear them like they were designed to be worn, which is to say, all the time, they need to go in more than once, and the next thing you know you’ve been sitting in a laundrymat for hours, wondering who the hell thought it was a good idea to seal the television behind a plate of plexiglass so no one could turn the damn thing off, or at least turn down the volume.
If you’re like me, though, jeans aren’t really your cup of tea, as they say, so for the most part you have cotton, wool, and polyester to choose from. You are not reading this if you wear silk or leather pants. Corduroy is another option, I suppose, but I don’t know anything about corduroy pants, and I’m not even sure how to spell corduroy, so forget them. Of the three, polyester is the most sturdy, wool the warmest, obviously, and cotton the most comfortable.
Like I said, wool pants are nice and warm when you are outside, but you end up sweating them all up when you are sitting inside for any length of time because they are too warm. After only two days they start smelling like a dirty sock, and that’s no good. And they’re not very comfortable, anyway. In fact, I don’t think very many people even really wear wool pants. Stay away from them, too.
Cotton pants are okay, but they wear out easily (and they are usually more expensive.) Eventually that faded spot on your knees or you ass will fray into a little tear, and then the tear will open into a small hole, and then the hole will widen everytime you wear them, and then they are no good. Holes in denim jeans are alright, because it looks like you earned them, but holes in cotton pants look dumb.
Which leaves polyester pants. Polyester pants are made from scientific chemicals, and they don’t biodegrade. Like plastic. Seven million years from now, if the sun hasn’t swallowed up the earth, any galaxy-trotting alien archaeologists digging through the endless mountains of fast food containers and plastic water bottles will find pockets of polyester pants planted in the ground like rose-bulbs all over the planet. If you don’t believe me, try dropping your cigarette in your lap once. The burning cherry just pushes the material out of the way, leaving a little cauterized hole that never gets any bigger.
So polyester pants can last at least a lifetime. But we are talking about more than just hardiness here. Let’s not forget about the smell. See, polyester doesn’t breathe very well, you end up stinkng them up after a few days. They stink in their own, special way, especially from the crotch, because that’s the warmest place on your body. It smells like when you leave the dishes in the sink for way too long and there is that slimy, brown film coating all of your plates and siilverware. A eye-stinging, rotten, invasive smell, like dead cats covered in their own dirty litter. Bad, bad, bad. The heat drives the smell out prematurely, too, so you have to stay on top of it.
Which brings us back to the bathroom sink. When you find yourself sleeping naked because every single article of clothing you own, with the possible exception of that stupid ankle sock you have no idea why you keep in your dresser drawer, is utterly unpleasant to behold, let alone wear, there is no alternative but to do some washing. Sorry, you have no choice. Pick out the clothes that you are going to wear tomorrow and haul them up to your bathroom. An extra pair of socks wouldn’t hurt, while you’re at it. Turn on the water, adjusting it to a comfortable temperature. Do NOT plug up the sink. The water is just going to get filthy, and you will be working against yourself if you let the clothes sit in a pool of dirty water.
Now stuff the pants into the sink. Soap is not necessary. After they have absorbed as much water as they will hold, keep them under the running water and begin to knead the pants by grasping them with both hands, with your fingers fanned out as wide as possible, and then squeezing them closed as if to make a fist, thus wringing much of the water out. Watch with satisfaction as the water turns black. Then release the pants, allow the fabric to briefly soak up more water, grasp them in another spot and squeeze again, but this time slightly raise the pants from the surface of the bowl as you find a new grip. This will allow the filthy water which has begun to collect to drain away. As you continue to knead the pants pockets of air will form and you will see tons of little bubbles boiling out of the fabric as you compress the pants. This is good- the bubbles will help to loosen the dirt, and it makes a cool gurgling noise, like if a bear was trying to breathe through a stuffy nose.
Soon the water will begin to turn from black to brown or gray. When this happens, just toss them into the bathtub and repeat this process with the rest of your clothes until you get to the socks. There is no way that you are going to get all of the filth out from your pants, so just be happy with them not smelling horrible anymore.
Your socks require a bit more attention. They are going to stink much, much worse than anything you would ever want to go near. Turn on the hotwater and just throw them in the bowl. Don’t even touch them- leave them alone for a few minutes. The air in the bathroom will start to get a hint of the stink because the rising steam is carrying it up. Deal with it. The socks will be plugging up the sink. Let them. After the bowl is just about filled, turn off the water. You might have to add some cold water into the steaming soup of socks before you can plunge your hands inside. Then pull the socks away from the drain and let the water seep away. Turn the water back on, adjusting the temperature so it is comfortable again. This is the only part where you might benefit from a little bit of soap, although it is definitely not necessary. Black soles of your socks are not ever going to look nice and new. It’s way too late for that. But if for some reason you are struck with an unexplainable desire to attack the stain, you may grab the bar of soap that is sitting half sogged in the striated shelf situated just below and to the right of the medicine cabinet. Planting the sock lengthways along the surface of your palm, rub the soap on the black stain until you feel little or no friction. When you are through messing around with the soap, hold the socks one at a time under the water and begin to squeeze them repeatedly. There is no need to wait for them to reabsorb water between successive squeezes- the socks are small enough to become resaturated almost immediately following each squeeze. If you soaped them up, then continue to do this until the bubbles that fall into the sink pop right away- they do that because there is no more soap to preserve their curvature.
I know it’s probably getting late by this point, because you have undoubtedly waited until twenty minutes past the time you told yourself you needed to go to sleep before admitting that this washing procedure had to be done. One last thing, and then you are ready to go to sleep. You need to know how to wring them out.
You have to wring out your clothes as best as possible because you are going to let them hang dry in the bathroom, and there is only six or seven hours for them to do that. The last thing you want is to put on wet clothes. (Although most articles of clothing will dry against your body heat in only a few hours.)
Each article of clothing can be wrung in a similar way, so I’m going to use the socks to illustrate. This is a very meditative motion. It can help you in all kinds of ways you can’t even guess at right now. Think “Paint the Fence” or “Wax the Car.” In fact, let’s call this section “Wring the Sock.”

“WRING THE SOCK”
Fold the wet sock in half and grasp one end with your right fist, leaving no part of the sock peaking beyond your pinky finger. Close your arm and raise it so that the elbow is pointing out directly in front of your chest, keeping our palm side up, as if you were about to lift a heavy set of barbells. Then, scoop your left hand toward your chest, under the part of the sock that is dangling beyond your thumb, and grasp it. Make sure your left thumb is touching your right thumb, and, gripping the sock firmly now with both hands, push the sock away from you, gradually unfurling both of your arms and bending your wrists, so that when the motion is complete your elbows are locked and each respective wrist bent in the opposite direction from its position at the beginning of the motion. As you do this water will stream out- be sure to leave the right wrist above the left. This is so that the wrung part of the sock is above the as yet un-wrung part, and gravity will not be re-sogging your work.

“SHORTS” (Disclaimer- this is not the nice part, as it mentions unmentionables.)
Here are some important things to remember about your shorts, if you want them to last a long time without having to wash them:

-Have lots of them.
-Remember what your mama taught you: Be sure to wipe your ass good and clean after heavy business, or any business at all.
-Why wear them to bed? Get soft sheets if it bothers you.
-Don’t eat things that make shit dribble out of your ass when you fart, like taquitos or just about any kind of meat typically used in mexican food.
-If you have to masturbate outside of the shower, use a sweat sock or a load rag.

That about covers it. Too bad we aren’t covered in fur like apes or cheetahs. Then none of this shit would be necessary, get me?